Your thoughts appreciated.... (for spiritually minded)

[durango dude]

I don't know most of you.
I know this is likely an unorthodox note For a woodworking forum. I'm really at the end of my rope.

Durango Diva and I are headed to a counselor today for an "exit" assessment of our marriage.

We will decide where we're headed (divorce or more counseling) , given his input.

I have a stack of woodworking projects that I made for her the last two years, most of which she's set aside and/or refused.

The Morris Chair is still in the garage, since the color doesn't match the living room.
It's not really about the chair or its color ---- it's about us.

I'm 50 years old, and never expected to be standing where I'm at. It's absolutely no fun.

If you're older and/or wiser than me --- would love sincere counsel in a private message.

If you're younger than me - I'd say dude ---- be intentional about your wife and family.
You don't want to walk in my shoes.

There's so much I could have/should have done ------- and now, facing the possibility that the only thing I'll have is regrets.

To add insult to injury, I'm about to sell my shop, since I'll eventually need to move to an apartment. I can't afford anything
with a garage in Durango, and can't really afford to have the equipment moved - even if I find a job elsewhere.

My prized projects - daughter's hope chest - the Morris chair - a bookshelf I made for the office ----- will eventually be
sold in a yard sale for $25 or so, each. The excuse will be "we don't have room for it." The reason - it hurts to be reminded of me.

That's where your work and pride ends up when you don't take care of your family.

I don't smoke, drink, curse. I'm not violent, although I'm certainly intense.
I AM negligent --- and this is what happens when you neglect family.

In any event - if you're a spiritually minded person - pray for me and my family at 8:00 AM mountain time.

Dear mods - I'll remove this in a week or so, unless you feel it needs to be removed before then.

[jking]

I will pray for you and your family.

[vaking]

Clearly your relationship with your wife is very intense. I have been married for over 30 years and never been in a situation like yours but I can share the following thought:
My wife's parents divorced when she was 12. Also very intense relationship, after the divorce they could never be together again. My wife was raised by her mother and my future mother-in-law made every effort to cut off my wife from her father. But it did not work, the moment my wife turned 18 - she reestablished relationship with her father and maintained it all those years despite objections from her mother. Even after all those years we can never invite both her parents together. Having to have separate receptions for events like my wife's 50th birthday for her father because we cannot have him together with my mother-in-law sounds silly but it is our routine nevertheless. The fact is - you might be divorcing your wife but you are not divorcing your children. Getting rid of your gift to your daughter because your wife does not want to be reminded of you sounds like something my mother-in-law could have done. Such behavior is hard on kids and it may very well backfire like it did with my wife. But my wife as a result of all this is a very smart and caring woman, much smarter and better than her mother, so in a way I benefitted from the hard time my wife had as a teenager.

[Black wallnut]

I am sad to read this. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[leehljp]

A good book for husbands and wives to read - or attend a session when given through a local church husband/wive retreat - is
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. In a nutshell - It deals with the basic foundational "value" that drives each of us emotionally.

The five basic love languages are:
• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

Imagine if you like and appreciate gifts, then logically you would think to give your wife a gift.
But if gifts don't affect them - then it is for naught and we wonder "why?"

My oldest daughter and I get at odds more than I do with the other two (we are both INTP), so I have learned to remain quiet. HOWEVER, I know how to manipulate her, and make her happy that she is being manipulated - She likes affirmation and certain gifts. If I praise how good she is and what she does (she has two masters degrees), she brightens up and will do anything I ask! BUT If I say I want to spend time with her or do something for her - she will take it, but that is about it.
My middle daughter likes Quality Time. Gifts are usually take it or leave it with her - no matter how expensive or how much thought was put into it. (She does like things I make more than my wife or other two daughters. And she is the only one that asks me to make things for her.)

The Point Is, we can work and work at building relationships but if we offer the wrong thing, and usually the thing WE appreciate, but not the thing that they want or need (their love language), a distancing of the relationship may certainly happen. Of course, this is not the only factor, but it is a contributor to relationship closeness or divide.

I am writing this for all to see because it helped us and helped many that went through the session. For my wife: She is equal on Affirmation and Quality time. I give gifts and she is verbally thankful but the gifts carry little weight in the long run. I build things for her and she is appreciative but it gets set aside or given to the kids over time. She loves to go to the movies and loves to be affirmed or praised. Me - praise and affirmation are the lowest value on my list. I have to intentionally make efforts to praise my wife, and it usually ends with good returns to me! Mine is "touch". If my daughters come and give me a hug and even as an adult hold their daddy's hand for a minute or two while we talk, they can manipulate me into anything. LOML knows this and does the same. So, we go to the movies and she holds my hand during the movie and on the way from the parking lot and back. Win -win. By the way, I am not a big "go to the movies" fan personally. I can take it or leave it.

I immediately thought in this "love language" direction as I read how you poured your heart into making something for her, while she showed little appreciation for it.


Praying for you.

[dbhost]

This may be on the late side to get to you, and I am having a bit of difficulty finding words for this but please know that I am praying for you and your family.

When I read your initial post, my heart sank. Not just for you, but for your wife as well. No matter the way forward at this point, there are hard times coming for both of you. The question is do you take what looks like the easy road, or what looks like the hard road?

I can't find the words to express the depth of the hurt divorce inflicts on all those around. I have been through one myself at 35, seen my parents divorce, seen friends divorce, the result is always the same. Both spouses walk away with a lifetime of soul deep emotional scarring. Children of divorce, and again, I speak with some authority here as I am one, also carry the scars of the divorce through their lives.

If I had a way to soften your hearts, and show you what you once had together, and give you a hope that it can be that way again, I would do it in a hot second.

You married her for a good reason, as she did you. Hopefully you can find those reasons again.

I know there are lots of voices out there telling people that if they aren't happy in a marriage to just get out, heaven knows the Lifetime channel is full of that bile. That is NOT healthy advice! Just because the faucet drips and the stairs squeak doesn't mean you should burn the house down!

[Richard in Smithville]

I found this thread a little late and I'm not sure what the out come has been as I write. My prayer is that in one way or another, some kind of reconciliation is found-whether it be together or apart, your relationship doesn't degrade to mud slinging.


As for woodworking, have to ever thought of looking into a small lathe?

[radhak]

Dude,

I feel for you. I am where you are, almost.

I am 50, and can be accused of being negligent. While my career, salary, possessions can be seen as a success, it is not if you want to gauge the perception of happiness of my spouse.

On Monday we will be married 22 years, and while I believe I have been blessed, I am not confident she'd think so. She sees her friends' circle, and only sees things missing in her life that would make her happier. According to me, these are just outward manifestations, who knows what their actual life is like, and really, who's life is all bliss? But I accept that what I think does not matter, what she thinks, is paramount for her, and I believe she has a lot of regrets.

My only advice to you, if I am not too late, is when you approach this issue, you could try to think for her. What makes her unhappy? What actions/steps from your side would make her happier? It is possible that there is none: she might not be accepting of any changes at all. Then it's not in your hands. Or it's possible that the changes she wants, you don't want : you find it too much of a compromise - then again, your path is chosen.

But if it is at all possible that there's that last chance - that there's a little wiggle room in your stances, that is the point where you could assess how much you want your marriage to stand.

The stuff you made in your garage? That's really not an issue, but maybe for her, that's symbolic: if you regret giving up your Morris chair more than (or as much as) your marriage, then she might have legitimate reason to be aggrieved. You could gift it to a friend, to the church, or to somebody deserving it, and even wishing for it. If you are willing to do this, and let her know that, you would convey to her your priorities. If she has seen the hurt you feel in the rejection of that chair, she might be able to see the big step you are taking in taking that out of the equation.

In all this, my advice is just one - know yourself: How much do you really want the marriage to survive, and how far are you willing to go for it? Whatever that is, if that is not far enough for her, the path is clear. If she is willing to negotiate that, and make some adjustments herself, I can wish you both all the luck.

ps: As for that hope chest, if the worst happens, you should find a friend who'd keep it in a basement for you till your daughter comes of age and claims it.