Is blood thicker than water?

[atgcpaul]

So how is your spouse with your in-laws? I really don't understand why there
is so much animosity between the two. My in-laws live overseas so maybe I'm
not getting the whole picture. Or maybe it really is that daughter-in-laws can't
ever be close with their spouse's family (parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, cousins).

My wife and sister, for example, always use me as their conduit for communication.
There's really nothing to argue about and I think they're both acting like
children. My wife could care less what my sister/family thinks and my sister
tells me things she specifically doesn't want me to share with my wife--not
things about my wife, though.

I think it's important for my wife to know some of these things so she doesn't
make a misstep in conversation but I also want to respect my sister's wishes.

This really is a no win situation.

Running for the man cave,
Paul

[crokett]

My wife gets along great with my parents and most of my siblings.

I would tell your sister to stop telling you stuff she doesn't want your wife to hear. You don't have to live with your sister every day. Eventually your wife is going to find out and will be mad at you for not telling her what your sister is saying.

[dbhost]

You are in a touchy situation there. I am lucky my wife and my family get along fine. And I really like my in laws... HOWEVER... In a prior relationship that wasn't the case...

Just remember, you are married to your wife, not your sister. If one or the other has to lose here... It should be your sister...

[bruce hylton]

Your wife is your partner. Any hold back lessons that relationship. If you want to side for your sister, divorce your wife. Otherwise get smart and make them both mad at you so they have something in common and they will get along better. Go fishing or to a tool show while they calm down.

[atgcpaul]

Just remember, you are married to your wife, not your sister. If one or the other has to lose here... It should be your sister...

Agreed.

However, my sister isn't bad mouthing my wife in this particular situation. She
told me something in confidence that I think my wife should know. My sister
told me not to share.

It's like someone tells you they wear a toupe. Then at a party someone else
goes up to that person and unknowingly starts to make fun of people who
wears toupes. Not that my sister wears a toupe or that my wife would go up
to my sister and start making fun of people who wear toupes. You get the
idea.

[crokett]

It doesn't matter if it is about your wife or not. You need to tell your sister that to assume what she tells you, you will tell your wife. As was said, your wife is your partner and not telling her stuff creates issues. More practically, if she finds out there is something you did not tell her, then it creates problems for you.

[gjat]

NEVER let family come between you and your wife unless you want to end the relationship. My wife and I tell others to not tell us anything you don't want us to share with our spouse. Letting your sister tell you stuff you think should be shared with your spouse is a big mistake. You and your wife promised to love, honor, and cherish your spouse. Sisters you get without any such promise.

[cabinetman]

If it were me, I wouldn't get in the middle. I might forget who told me what and who isn't supposed to find out.
.

[woodturner]

My sister told me not to share.

Keeping any secret from one's wife is almost always a bad idea, in my opinion. It creates distrust in the relationship. I don't think it is possible to have a good marriage without complete honesty and trust.

Anyone who tells a married person something should understand that they are telling both partners. It's inappropriate for your sister to tell you something she doesn't want to be shared with your wife.

I would tell the sister that anything she tells me will be shared with my wife, and that it's inappropriate to request otherwise.

Any chance the sister is trying to destroy the marriage?

[Kristofor]

My wife gets along great with my parents and siblings. In fact she communicates with them more than I do (daily) as I'm not much of a jabber on the phone kind of person. Likewise, I get along great with her mom (only immediate family she has left).

Now, there are some extended family members on her side of the family that like to talk a bit too much (maybe on mine too, but they know me well enough not to when I'm around?). Anyhow, since I don't do (share/listen to) gossip once they understood that, problem solved. When someone says "can you keep a secret" or the like I simply say no, I'm not going to spend the effort trying to keep multiple stories straight for different people.

[radhak]

I think I get your position, though maybe because of the reverse!

LOML thinks my mom/sister are not considerate of her feelings, and might be right - my family before marriage is not big on sensitivity, and assumes if anybody wants something, they'd be told. LOML wants to be understood and empathized with. Having lived with her for so long, I now get her, but don't expect sis/mom to.

So the 'contra position' is that they all say things to me they want me to convey to the other side without them personally getting into a sticky situation, and I have refused to be the messenger!

This has made things stickier - because they think the message has been conveyed but not acted on. I keep reminding them it's not so, but it continues... But whenever it comes to a fight, I re-remind them that I don't talk about people, and I ain't starting now, they should talk to each other with more honesty.

So not much help in your situation, but at least you know you are not alone...

[natausch]

Both of us have black sheep, so we get to play as a team against them instead of against each other

Her Side:
Crazy Vietnamese mother

My Side:
Crazy Nephews

[JR]

Is blood thicker than water?

Hey, you're the biologist, man. You tell me!





JR

[phi1l]

I'm not sure you are looking in the right place for advice on this one, since it doesn't have anything to do with making saw dust. Dear Abby would probably be a more reliable source.

[cwsmith]

When my wife or I are considered to be wrong, neither of us hold back on letting the other know our feelings. While it might result in a minor tiff, it's much better for either of us to know we might be out of line.

But, the one rule we have between the two of us is that we don't keep secrets from each other. AND, the family knows that too. We are each other's partner in all things and if there are sides to be taken, I will always take hers, in front of the family. Each of us may take the other aside and address our different opinion to each other.. but together we are always united. The family and friends know this and so we are rarely faced with "don't tell". That keeps either of us out of the "middle".

While I can't tell you it is all "roses", but we've been pretty happy with each other for 43 years. As far as the family is concerned, I rarely am happy with my wife's inlaws, she agrees. (and NO, "my wife's inlaws" was not a typo.)

"Honesty is not my best policy... it is my ONLY policy"

CWS