What's your opinion?

[gjat]

We've done the spankings, the time-outs, etc. at my house. We usually do not spank since it usually doesn't work. However, sometimes a quick, unexpected open handed swat to the bottom has the desired effect.

I'd say you are probably way better than the average person. My wife and I were raised very differently. In raising our two kids, we constantly questioned ourselves and discussed it with each other. There was NOTHING that was off-limits. We learned as we went. Sometimes spankings worked, sometimes not. We learned to tag-team so that if one of the kids got us really riled, we 'passed them off' to the other parent to avoid punishment when we were realy angry or emotionally charged. I've seen kids get abused with a too energetic spanking, and I've seen kids get emotionaly abused with excessive 'time-outs', lectures, and verbal tirades. In my opinion, it's the emotional wounds that are the worst, whether they're caused physically or verbally.
In my opinoin, you're way ahead because: 1- you and your wife cooperate. 2- You know you're not perfect and are open to changing methods. 3- you're trying to do the best job FOR your kids, it's not about stroking your own ego.

[Gary Lange]

I believe a good swat on the backside is what a lot of kids need these days. However, it seems that the courts get involved and say that's abuse and you can't do that. Then they through the little turd in the slammer 10 years later for stealing a vehicle and killing somebody. The good swat on the backside may have made hi a better person and he would have turned out to be a respected and productive citizen.

[MilDoc]

My opinion is this: like everything, there are rules here.
A) Don't spank because of anger. Seriously, who spanks their kid when they are calm? My point is, don't spank them becuase you are angry. We spank after MANY repeated warnings.
B) Nothing but the hand. I NEVER use anything, wooden spoon, ruler, belt; all are not acceptable.
and C) if there is a C) one swat only. I don't repeatedly spank. A single swat seems to do the job.

Good rules. Let me add one: ONLY on the bottom.

As for (B), use of any object is considered child abuse by all states. Use of the hand, on the bottom, and NOT a few dozen swats, is generally not.

Also add: use it for extreme misbehavior only. If ALL you can do is hit you really are sending the wrong message. And if that is ALL you know how to do, think about what that means when your child is too big to swat.

[JoeyGee]

I do believe in spanking, but if you have to spank your kids a lot, you're not doing something right, and it won't work.

I firmly believe that you make an impression early (again, pain is not really necessary, just the feeling of shock or whatever) kids should realize you mean business. The key is always be consistent. If you tell a kid you will do X if they do Y, you better act on what you said you would do.

The one thing that drives me NUTS is when parents warn a kid, and then start counting--giving them a chance to act up until you hit 3, and then they do what you want. Who has control then?

[Knottscott]

My opinion is this: like everything, there are rules here.
A) Don't spank because of anger. Seriously, who spanks their kid when they are calm? My point is, don't spank them becuase you are angry. We spank after MANY repeated warnings.
B) Nothing but the hand. I NEVER use anything, wooden spoon, ruler, belt; all are not acceptable.
and C) if there is a C) one swat only. I don't repeatedly spank. A single swat seems to do the job.

Very well said, and it reflects my opinion. Sometimes a spanking is warranted and effective, sometimes not...it really depends on the child and the situation. I preferred to use spanking sparingly and keep as a deterrent. Spanking because you're ticked off is really about us not controlling our anger though, not about teaching the child right from wrong. It's not as effective on older kids.

[jussi]

The problem with accepting it is that those who would go overboard then use this as a license to do so. Once you accept it, you open the floodgates for a lot of people who don't know the meaning of restraint.

But that argument can be used for almost anything that has negative effects. It's the same argument many anti-gun, smoking, alcohol, etc. We shouldn't use the people who don't understand the difference between abuse and discipline as a measuring stick on whether something should be outlawed or not.

[crokett]

The one thing that drives me NUTS is when parents warn a kid, and then start counting--giving them a chance to act up until you hit 3, and then they do what you want. Who has control then?

My dad used to count. That said, there was never any doubt that he was in control and he never had to get past 1.

[scmhogg]

I have never hit any of my three kids. My father was a hitter. With my head as a target, it was not always a open hand. It was a fearful time.

I promised myself, that it would end with me.

I was, sometimes, afraid that it had made my kids soft. My oldest would cry over a harsh word, hysterically if it was a loud one.

But, they all seem to have turned out OK. My sensitive daughter now teaches sixth graders.

I worked very hard, when I was on the local school board, in the 70's to eliminate corporal punishment in the schools. There was a small decrease in disciplinary reports after the ban, despite an increase in student population.

As a criminal defense lawyer, for 36 years, I have found that very few of my clients who received lenient treatment when they where young.

Steve

[pacwind3]

I like the comment about the Rod. We call it currency. You have to find your child's currency. Our daughter doesn't like standing in the corner so that works for the most part. She has to have put on a pretty good fit before I finally break down and swat. Last time was a fit as we were leaving the grocery store. Had a fit in the store, on the way out of the store, and all the way to the car. Yes I was mad, but I still felt the swat was justified. I don't want to raise my kids by fear, but heck, you gotta make them have a little fear I guess. She gets a hundred times more love from us then fear.

I did forget another "rule", always swat in the moment. Kids have a pretty short attention span and you can't swat for something they did 5 minutes ago. Heck that came and went in their minds. Kinda goes in hand with not spanking out of anger.
My middle daughter, who is 15 now, was famous for acting up in the grocery store, not listening, running away from us and then when I'd pick her up to haul her to the car: she'd belt out the screaming. Very embarassing and tested my patience FAR too many times. By the time I'd get her to the car, she'd quit and be fine. Of course I was always still ticked off and angry over what I just went through. It was really hard NOT to spank at that point cause I was mad, but I felt like it would be pointless because she wouldn't understand it was for how she was behaving before.

Mostly though I believe it is the choice of a parent. I was spanked WAY into the abuse stage by today's standards. I mentioned not using belts, spoons or rulers: all were used on me and more. I got launched most of the way down our hallway by my dad once when he was mad. All of that left mental scars that took years to heal. All of those cases from him weren't spanking; they were beatings.
The flip side is: I made the vow to myself to never loose control with my kids and after 3 girls and 18 years, I can proudly say I never have.
To my dads credit, his dad abused him pretty badly. It doesn't justify his actions, but it was the "tools" he was given by his father. I can say, after the stories he's told me, he toned down his diciplin several notches, and so did I. So I feel that cycle of abuse has stopped with me. It's hasn't been passed on and perpetuated.

[Pappy]

Personally, I always found that dipping them head first into a cauldron of boiling oil produced much faster, and longer lasting, results!

Seriously, I don't think a properly administered spanking is abuse, nor is it harmful to a child's mental health.

[bruce hylton]

I have used almost every method of punishment you have mentioned on this thread so far. My eight children each responded different to like responces. Therefore each was repremanded as the situation warrented. I never let my anger dictate the strength of my arm or my aim. I was and still am very deliberate. Some of my children are the same way and some are not.