Church Bulletins

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  • DUD
    Veteran Member
    • Dec 2002
    • 3309
    • Jonesboro, Arkansas, USA.
    • Ryobi BT3000

    #1

    Church Bulletins

    I haven't got online much due to the virus I was infect with, Thanks to the people that

    helped Me and a special Thank You to Scott. Thanks All, and I hope You like this one.

    Bill



    They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:



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    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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    Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say '****' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.
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    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is ****?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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    The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
    5 OUT OF 4 PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND FRACTIONS.
  • pelligrini
    Veteran Member
    • Apr 2007
    • 4217
    • Fort Worth, TX
    • Craftsman 21829

    #2
    Those were pretty good, Nice to have you back!
    Erik

    Comment

    • footprintsinconc
      Veteran Member
      • Nov 2006
      • 1759
      • Roseville (Sacramento), CA
      • BT3100

      #3
      funny indeed! i wonder how the people listen must react
      _________________________
      omar

      Comment

      • TB Roye
        Veteran Member
        • Jan 2004
        • 2969
        • Sacramento, CA, USA.
        • BT3100

        #4
        Thanks. I printed them out and will give them to our Pastor tonight at Council meeting. She will get a kick out them.

        Tom

        Comment

        • Uncle Cracker
          The Full Monte
          • May 2007
          • 7091
          • Sunshine State
          • BT3000

          #5
          Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
          ROFL!!! I've been to a few like that...

          Comment

          • Ed62
            The Full Monte
            • Oct 2006
            • 6021
            • NW Indiana
            • BT3K

            #6
            Well worth passing on.

            Ed
            Do you know about kickback? Ray has a good writeup here... https://www.sawdustzone.org/articles...mare-explained

            For a kickback demonstration video http://www.metacafe.com/watch/910584...demonstration/

            Comment

            • crokett
              The Full Monte
              • Jan 2003
              • 10627
              • Mebane, NC, USA.
              • Ryobi BT3000

              #7
              Copied, pasted and sent! Thanks Dud.
              David

              The chief cause of failure in this life is giving up what you want most for what you want at the moment.

              Comment

              • Knottscott
                Veteran Member
                • Dec 2004
                • 3815
                • Rochester, NY.
                • 2008 Shop Fox W1677

                #8
                Welcome back and thanks for the chuckle!

                Those faux pas reminded me of the bachalauriate mass we attended in June for my son's HS graduation. The spiritual director of a large and promanent Catholic high school stood up in front of 800-900 people and explained that people in the sections off to the side of the church were going to "receive communion in the rear"! Just to ensure everyone understood, she repeated the exact phrase verbatum to the other side section.
                Happiness is sort of like wetting your pants....everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

                Comment

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