About a Chili cook off

[tuttlejr]

Chili Cook-off viewed by a northerner

If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

************************************************** ***
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap! What the **** is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

************************************************** ***
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from
all of the beer.

************************************************** ***
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

************************************************** ***
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming.

************************************************** ***
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.
************************************************** ***

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about

Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold,
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller! Wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hotchili?

Judge # 3 - No report.

[sweensdv]

Yup, folks from up here in the midwest will do just about anything for a free drunk.

[Uncle Cracker]

My ex-boss' wife used to call me at home at 2 in the morning (after he had shared my chili for lunch) and tell me she was pulling the covers over the phone...

[DUD]

My Nephew in Nashville makes some great Chili, I get to eat some of it in November. It is slighty tangy and hot. Love it, Bill

[shoottx]

One year for a charity chili cook-off the LOML made her famous mole' flavored chili. Mole' is a southwestern sauce made of chocolate and peanuts. Since this was a sportsmen’s event there was; duck & goose chili, several venison chilies, moose chili, frog leg chili, and several other exotic concoctions.

As a fund raising charity event 1/2 of the judging was based on guest’s votes, guests put a dollar $1 in your bucket. All the tables were lined up and the guest made their way though the event. All was going well until one of the guests that had stayed to long in the hospitality tent saw the sign on LOML table.

She shouted “I am not going to taste anything made from Moles”

It took all of our composure to convince the lady that mole’ chili is not made with moles.
When she was finally convinced and tried the chili she dropped $20.00 in the bucket.

[ironhat]

Bob, you wrote: "If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you".

********************************

Well, I guess there's plenty of help for me *and* the wife. I was laughing so hard she asked me what I was reading. I had to start all over again and we were both laughing too hard to speak intelligibly. Tooooooo funny, Bob!!

[cgallery]

Yep, I'm from the north and I like my chili on the mild side.

[docrowan]

Well, I guess there's plenty of help for me *and* the wife. I was laughing so hard she asked me what I was reading. I had to start all over again and we were both laughing too hard to speak intelligibly. Tooooooo funny, Bob!!

I quite literally have tears streaming from my eyes. I had to read all these to my wife as well. I haven't ever laughed this hard on something I've read on the internet. Thank you so much!