It only hurts when.....

[cwithboat]

This is true. Some of the dialog has been "colorized".

Day 1:
Working in shop on wife's closet remodel.
Set down orbital sander.
Pick up trash, move towards trash can.
Trip over sander power cord.
Fall headlong into pile of lumber assembled for closet remodel.
Badly hurt - right shoulder, neck, chest.
Stagger upstairs. Wait two hours. Take 2 aspirin, Wait 2 hours, go to bed.
Sleep 15 minutes. Move. Scream. Repeat. Loop.
Day 2:
Take 30 minutes to get out of bed. Much screaming.
Call doctors office.
"It is Monday doctor will see you Saturday"- No thanks.
Go to urgent care clinic- wait 2 hours, browse thru magazines.
Take X-rays. Hold 10 pound weight in right hand to take X-ray. Pain.
"You moved" take another X-ray.
"You moved, take X-ray lying down".
Technician shoves right shoulder to position of X-ray. Scream heard by wife sitting in car outside clinic.
"You are lucky, no breaks, but it will hurt for a while". (No sh*t.) "I will give you something for pain."
No, says I, give me muscle relaxant.
Take muscle relaxant before bed. Sleep a little better.
Days 3, 4:
Wake up stiff. Take muscle relaxant.
Do nothing. Nap.
Take muscle relaxant.
Stare at computer task. Attention disorder.
Day 5:
Front 2 teeth are mobile. (Dentist’s talk for "they are about to fall out")
Call dentist. Dentist will retire next week. "Come in, I will look at it."
Day 6:
Coughing once every two minutes. Shoulder and throat racked with pain.
Cough all over dentist and assistant. "Those will have to come out" Take impression with gooey stuff that hardens.
Go home. Take 20 minutes to pee. Dribble, spray, dribble.
Take over the counter cough medicines. Muscle relaxant.
Stare at computer task. Blow nose. Loop.
Day 7:
Cough, fever; shoulder, chest, throat racked with pain.
Take 20 minutes to pee. Dribble, spray, dribble.
Day 8:
Repeat day 7.
I have lost 5 pounds. Obviously I have acquired incurable rhinovirus from waiting room magazines.
Wife has incurable rhinovirus. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhinovirus)
Stare at computer. Not sure what it means.
Day 9:
Search prostate on web. Prostate.org. Take test. You have BHP. SEE YOUR PHYSICIAN IMMEDIATELY.
Call doctor's office. "Doctor will see you after holidays." Look lady, my dick's about to fall off!
Dentist's office calls. "Come see us now!"
Doctor's office calls. "As your dick is falling off, the doctor will see you at 8:00AM tomorrow."
Go to dentist's office. I inform dentist and assistant that I have gifted them with incurable rhinovirus.
Take more impressions with gooey stuff.
Day 10:
Doctor's office - Pull down pants, bend over, finger up butt.
Doctor says “Stop taking muscle relaxant and OTC meds, that stuff makes your dick fall off"
" You are lucky, you now have bronchitis as well as incurable rhinovirus, we can treat bronchitis. Take this anti-biotic."
That evening - revenge of the rhinovirus- diarrhea
Day 11:
Muscles tense - no relaxant
Wait 5 minutes to pee. Squirt, dribble, squirt, dribble
Check obituaries for dentist's name.
Stare at computer. Cough, blow, sneeze. Loop.
Day 11 3:30PM:
Dentist's assistant calls - "Come in Friday, we will remove your two front teeth"
Day 11 3:53PM PST:
My radio is tuned to CBC 2
CBC Radio 2 plays a 7 minute jazz instrumental version of "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" by Oliver Jones
This is the absolute truth. Check the play list for Dec 19th at www.cbc.ca

[cabinetman]

I could never top that. As a matter of fact, now I don't feel so good.
.

[germdoc]

That's why I'm taking a hiatus from the shop for awhile--too dangerous. Can cause loss of teeth, loss of phallus, chronic rhinovirus infection, and urinary retention. At my age I'm not sure I should be taking those risks...

[LCHIEN]

This is true. Some of the dialog has been "colorized".

Day 1:
Working in shop on wife's closet remodel.
...

So, this is all your wife's fault?!

[Uncle Cracker]

What're you bittchin' about?? That's a better week than practically any that I have...

[TB Roye]

I am sorry you are in so much pain. Once I stop laughing I will call my Doctor and see if mine is falling off. Have dentist appointment in the Morning to have denture religned.

I trully do hope you feel better soon.

Tom

[Rand]

Mongolian VD

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself. You save money

[MikeMcCoy]

I am sorry you are in so much pain. Once I stop laughing I will call my Doctor and see if mine is falling off. Have dentist appointment in the Morning to have denture religned.

I trully do hope you feel better soon.

Tom

I think I will just forget that I read this post and look forward to going back to Afghanistan next month.

[TB Roye]

Mike McCoy

Some time when your retired you just have to much time on your hands and you get a little goofy when reading posts. Today was one of those days for some reason nothing to do constructive. Sorry but when I read that post I lost it. But I do hope he gets better soon. Are you in the service going back to Afghanistan? That I don't laugh at. Oh! I do have an appointment at dentist tomorrow for the reason stated.

Tom

[Ed62]

How could anything that bad be so darn funny?

Ed

[cwithboat]

So, this is all your wife's fault?!

Forty plus years ago, shortly after our marriage, I discovered that She had no faults. In return for this enlightenment, I get fed extremely well, have laundry service and am occasionally allowed to participate in activities which produced two lovely daughters. I also am privileged to feed our two cats at six o’clock in the morning, take out the garbage, mow the lawn and engage in self destructive actions such as that described here.

[TB Roye]

That post has dtdo rank righ up there with the one about giving the cat a bath. It got me laughing so hard. I been with LOML for almost 42yrs and can identfy with you and what you are allowed to do. Hope your injuries heal soon.

Tom

[cwithboat]

That post has dtdo rank righ up there with the one about giving the cat a bath. It got me laughing so hard. I been with LOML for almost 42yrs and can identfy with you and what you are allowed to do. Hope your injuries heal soon.

Tom

Thanks Tom. It has been a month since the incident. I am OK except for a little whiplash remaining. (That's in the neck and shoulder-The other place is about what one would expect for 67 years)
regards
Charlie

[mater]

Thanks. That pain in my neck just went away.