Humor for LEXOPHILES
(LOVERS OF WORDS): Now I know some of these are funny. Bill
> >
> >I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
> >
> >Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
> >rest.
> >
> >Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
> >right now.
> >
> >The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
> >
> >The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his
> >work.
> >
> >To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
> >
> >When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
> >
> >The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
> >large.
> >
> >A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
> >
> >A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
> >criminal.
> >
> >Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
> >
> >We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
> >
> >When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
> >
> >The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
> >
> >The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
> >ground.
> >
> >The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
> >
> >If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
> >
> >A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
> >
> >A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
> >
> >A will is a dead giveaway.
> >
> >Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
> >
> >A backward poet writes in verse.
> >
> >In a democracy it's your vote that counts;
> > in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
> >
> > A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
> >
> > If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
> >
> > With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
> >
> > Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
> >miner.
> >
> > When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
> >
> > The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
> >
> > A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
> >Blownapart.
> >
> > You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
> >
> > Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
> >
> > He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
> >
> > A calendar's days are numbered.
> >
> > A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
> >
> > A boiled egg is hard to beat.
> >
> > He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
> >
> > A plateau is a high form of flattery.
> >
> > Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
> >
> > When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
> >
> > If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
> >
> > When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
> >
> > Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
> >
> > Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
> >
> > Acupuncture: a jab well done.
> >
> >I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
> >
> >Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
> >rest.
> >
> >Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
> >right now.
> >
> >The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
> >
> >The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his
> >work.
> >
> >To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
> >
> >When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
> >
> >The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
> >large.
> >
> >A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
> >
> >A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
> >criminal.
> >
> >Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
> >
> >We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
> >
> >When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
> >
> >The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
> >
> >The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
> >ground.
> >
> >The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
> >
> >If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
> >
> >A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
> >
> >A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
> >
> >A will is a dead giveaway.
> >
> >Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
> >
> >A backward poet writes in verse.
> >
> >In a democracy it's your vote that counts;
> > in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
> >
> > A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
> >
> > If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
> >
> > With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
> >
> > Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
> >miner.
> >
> > When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
> >
> > The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
> >
> > A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
> >Blownapart.
> >
> > You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
> >
> > Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
> >
> > He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
> >
> > A calendar's days are numbered.
> >
> > A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
> >
> > A boiled egg is hard to beat.
> >
> > He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
> >
> > A plateau is a high form of flattery.
> >
> > Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
> >
> > When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
> >
> > If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
> >
> > When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
> >
> > Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
> >
> > Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
> >
> > Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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