What does it mean?

[Ed62]

You'll get to the point where you can read between the lines. Whenever I hear "We need to paint this room", I know it means I need to paint the room.

But Anna is right. If we do more than expected, it sometimes causes us to wake up in the morning with a better outlook on life (if you know what I mean).

Ed

[Anna]

Actually I think they go hand-in-hand. If she'd asked for help turning over the garden I'd have gladly not only turned it over, but mulched it, watered it, etc. I always do more than she asks but she needs to ask.

What I am trying to do is make it so when it counts (i.e. when she is mad at me) I want her to just tell me why, not make me guess, or tell me 'I'm not telling you if you don't already know'. If I knew why you were mad, I wouldn't have done whatever it is to make you mad.

David, as someone who's also uttered those oft-cursed words ("If you don't know then I won't tell you"), let me just say that sometimes, women can't verbalize what they really mean. We can get pretty emotional about some of these things, and we don't necessarily have the right words to describe how we feel. Those times when we really do know what we want to say? Never stopped us from telling you exactly what's on our minds.

My husband has learned to lie low when I'm fuming mad. I talk when I'm ready, and that's usually when I've calmed down and actually thought about what got me really angry with him. It might help to give your wife some space when she's really angry with you, then bring the subject up again later when she's calmed down some. And it never hurts to say you're sorry, even when you don't understand what's going on. See, you're supposed to be sorry for upsetting her, not for doing whatever it was you did so insensitively. Heh.

As for the shovel.... If you want to CYA, ask her if she needs any help when you hand her the shovel. This way, you're not waiting for her to tell you what she wants, and she'll also think you care enough to ask first. If she proceeds to ask you to help her, you got what you wanted (that she asks). If she says no thanks, I'd ask her one more time to make sure, then you're covered.

You can honestly tell her later that you did offer to help and she said no, and she can no longer use the "You don't love me anymore" card for that instance. We're not that irrational all the time, you know.

[Anna]

Well maybe you're right about some things but I'll call you out on this one.
If I ask my wife to hand me a shovel, here's what I get:
What are you doing?
Do you know what you're doing?
You're doing it all wrong.
Is that in the right place?
its not deep enough. OR its Not wide enough.
It's not Big enough.
(and all that, I might add, is from someone who never used a shovel in her life)
...

Needless to say, I don't ask my wife for help with anything unless I abolutely have to...

Heh, she sounds like my husband. She also sounds like she just wants to be useful. If I were you, I'd give her a job (after saying "I'll think about it" in answer to all her suggestions, and you have to say it in such a way that she doesn't think you're just dismissing her). I'd ask her to go check on the plants, decide where they'll be placed, or some other thing that needs to get done. If she's just there to annoy you, she won't be offering herself up to do a chore again and get out of your way.

With my husband, my stock reply is, "You want to do this yourself?" He ALWAYS backs off. But I won't try that on my wife if I were a man. The few times my husband tried that on me I got really angry with him, so it's not worth it.

One couple who's been married 30+ years ends the bickering with, "Shut up, woman, and get me something cold to drink!" She dutifully goes and gets him a drink after reiterating one more time that she thinks he's doing it all wrong, and that's it. Works for them, but I wouldn't try it willy-nilly.

[TheRic]

... We always reciprocate, you know....

I call Bull$hit!! (OR would you please tell my wife that!!)

David, as someone who's also uttered those oft-cursed words ("If you don't know then I won't tell you"), let me just say that sometimes, women can't verbalize what they really mean. We can get pretty emotional about some of these things, and we don't necessarily have the right words to describe how we feel. Those times when we really do know what we want to say? Never stopped us from telling you exactly what's on our minds....

Personally, I think it's you (women) don't know what to say but you just need to argue about something.

Well maybe you're right about some things but I'll call you out on this one.
If I ask my wife to hand me a shovel, here's what I get:
What are you doing?
Do you know what you're doing?
You're doing it all wrong.
Is that in the right place?
its not deep enough. OR its Not wide enough.
It's not Big enough.
(and all that, I might add, is from someone who never used a shovel in her life)
...

Needless to say, I don't ask my wife for help with anything unless I abolutely have to...

I'm with you on this.

I also hate to be asked to do something, then told how to do it!!! If your going to ask me to do it, don't tell me how to do it, if you know how to do it better, then do it yourself!!!

As for the question / survey. What she means is "Don't make plans, your day is mine".

[JTimmons]

And it never hurts to say you're sorry, even when you don't understand what's going on. See, you're supposed to be sorry for upsetting her, not for doing whatever it was you did so insensitively. Heh.

I forgot to add the smiley at the end of my career/marriage comment above I don't believe or think that way.

Most of the work I do around the house is for the LOML, if it were only me, I'd be out playing golf, riding the ATV or doing something else besides house work.

But...saying sorry for something I don't understand, will only get me in more trouble later, when the pop quiz question comes up, "why are you sorry?" Being sorry for upsetting her isn't going to cut it, I better know what I did before saying so.

[gary]

I answered "Hand her the shovel". I then asked my wife to take the same question and she said "Hand her the shovel". She knows to ask for what she wants and I would only hand her the shovel if asked to.

30 years of marriage and we still communicate well.

[djenkins]

I'm with Kirby on this one and it only took me 16 years to get a diploma!!

[jziegler]

You'll get to the point where you can read between the lines. Whenever I hear "We need to paint this room", I know it means I need to paint the room.

But Anna is right. If we do more than expected, it sometimes causes us to wake up in the morning with a better outlook on life (if you know what I mean).

Ed

I understand that one, and I've only been married a little under 3 years! Also we need to water the plants, we need to do...

I will agree that Anna is right. I see it work for me. Although, the bar for me is pretty low, my father-in-law is so lazy that it's very easy to look good in comparison. Of course, it also gets me the extra questions to make sure I'm doing it right, because he wouldn't.

Jim

[Russianwolf]

I understand that one, and I've only been married a little under 3 years! Also we need to water the plants, we need to do...

I will agree that Anna is right. I see it work for me. Although, the bar for me is pretty low, my father-in-law is so lazy that it's very easy to look good in comparison. Of course, it also gets me the extra questions to make sure I'm doing it right, because he wouldn't.

Jim

Oh I can turn those around and get a laugh sometimes.

"Honey, we need to paint the living room."

"yes, Hon, YOU should paint the living room"

I can get way with it because she knows 1)I hate painting and 2) while she's painting I'll be doing heavy labor that she simply CAN'T.

[Garasaki]

This reminds me of my afternoon yesterday. I went to help a friend do some trim work at his house. I told my wife weeks ahead of time that I'd be gone. Walking out the door, she asked how long I'd be gone. I said "I dunno, I should be back around 4" (it was 11:20 am).

I returned home at 4:45 to a fuming wife who proceded to ruin most of my evening being POed because:

"You said you were going to be gone for a little bit and were gone for 6 hours!!"

It really doesn't take much time or effort, generally, to implement your suggestions, but the payback is outstanding.

I greatly disagree with this statement. I do lots of going above and beyond, and my only payback is a monthly "complaining" (editting for public consumption) session about how I don't do enough around the house.

To any single guys reading this thread: Don't get married. You can't please women.

[ragswl4]

All sounds familiar to me. Married first time for 22 years. Got single. Married 2nd time for 8 years, should have stayed single. Can't ever do enough and even if I get close, it's never right. Can never do anything alone, my way. Just won't happen. I picked " dont make plans your day is mine", then would be followed by what Loring said.

[crokett]

David, as someone who's also uttered those oft-cursed words ("If you don't know then I won't tell you"), let me just say that sometimes, women can't verbalize what they really mean.

My husband has learned to lie low when I'm fuming mad. I talk when I'm ready, and that's usually when I've calmed down and actually thought about what got me really angry with him.

I don't think women can ever verbalize what they really mean. That's why Ed posted this thread in the first place. Just kidding!

I already give my wife time to calm down. Told her early on I would gladly talk it out but wouldn't talk to her if all she was going to do was yell. The first few times it just made her madder. Now she is the one who will give herself a time out.

As for the shovel its not that I forgot to ask its that I deliberately did not ask. Usually when I offer to help with stuff she says she will ask if she needs help. So I decided if she asks for a tool I get her the tool. If what she really wants is help, she needs to ask. I just stopped worrying about deciphering what she is asking for.

[Garasaki]

Oh yeah, and while you got me started , my wife gets mad at me because:

She has to ask for help.

When she needs help, I'm supposed to know and immediately jump into action. She shouldn't have to ask. It's my job to know when she needs help, AND provide it.

This, I believe, is the heart of the problem Ed62 is hinting at with this post.

[RodKirby]

Some Kirby observations - maybe familiar?

• You have a MAXIMUM of 5 nanoseconds to respond to a request - regardless of what you are doing. Failure results in WWIII.
• A complaint rarely relates to what is being discussed - often relates to something that happened 10+ years ago - that you can't even remember.
• Voluntary advice/assistance from you will be rejected instantly.
• No matter what you do, it is wrong - even if it was her idea.
• You will be dead before you her say "I'm sorry - you were right"
• ANY (valid) criticism from you could result in a week's silence and/or threat of divorce.
• That's why...

... when asked "Would you get married again if something happened to me"; the safest(?) response is "I don't want to think about it"

[Slik Geek]

I greatly disagree with this statement. I do lots of going above and beyond, and my only payback is a monthly "complaining" (editting for public consumption) session about how I don't do enough around the house.

To any single guys reading this thread: Don't get married. You can't please women.

I would have probably said similar things five years ago, perhaps not quite as strongly...

In a discussion such as this, it is hard to cover all situations with generalizations. There are exceptions - one spouse may have significant issues that prevent a healthy relationship. I hope that this isn't the problem in your relationship.

It took me far too long to realize that men, in general, and myself, in particular, can be incredibly insensitive (ie DENSE). Once I finally addressed a few of my character flaws simultaneously, our relationship blossomed.

Over night it seemed, things improved significantly. I marvelled at the change in my wife. Now, it was remarkably easy to please my wife.

For the past three years, we have had nearly continuous marital bliss. (Really only had one week where things got bad not long ago - I frankly had slipped into old habits again).

I wouldn't have believed that it was possible to have such a great relationship. (My collection of workshop equipment has also improved signficantly). I marvel at least several times a day how our conversations and interactions take a completely different course than they used to.

Something that helped me was to watch a man who really knew how to treat his wife well. At first, I thought he was nuts. Now, I know that he was one smart cookie. He knew that his spousal relationship was worth the investment of energy, and that he needed to put his ego in check.