Understanding Engineers

[bigsteel15]

Understanding Engineers- Take One
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyways."

Understanding Engineers- Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers- Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golfers!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's ask him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechs build weapons and civs build targets.

Understanding Engineers- Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Six
Four engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The third said, "It was obviously a chemical engineer, just think about all the reactions taking place each second in the body."
The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers- Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Tom Miller]

Understanding Engineers- Take One
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyways."

It didn't even cross my mind to take the clothes...



...major score on the bike, though!

Regards,
Tom

[Cain]

From the Arkansas PE Exam...

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A) '66 Ford Fairlane
B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

[mater]

Those were good. I will have to email them.

[TJG]

Understanding Engineers- Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

No engineer would ever see it like that. They would see it as designed to specification with appropriate design tolerances to be safe at 200% of the desired content. After which, they would re-design the glass to be made of a high tech material that weighs half as much, but was strong enough to hold an adult elephant without being crushed. Then, they would alter the shape to make it more difficult to tip over, just to add that extra safety precaution. Finally, they would add a black-box to it to keep track of all data relating to the contents (temperature, density, etc. ), location and position so that if you ever dropped it or spilled from it, they would be able to determine who was at fault.

The government would buy thousands of them at a price $900 each.

[DUD]

Copied and sent out to a friend, this came back. Bill


Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you
don’t understand.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road
map the wrong way.



.................................................. ........................

You might be an engineer if ...
... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... the sales people at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.
... you know what <http:// stands for.
... your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 90 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice ...and parallel.
... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids’ toys together.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you window shop at Radio Shack
... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... you’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
... you’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.
.................................................. ....

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against
one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten
seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous
distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer
were asked, “When will the girls and boys meet?”

The mathematician said: “Never.”

The physicist said: “In an infinite amount of time.”

The engineer said: “Well... in about two minutes, they’ll be close enough
for all practical purposes.”

[25]

No engineer would ever see it like that. They would see it as designed to specification with appropriate design tolerances to be safe at 200% of the desired content. After which, they would re-design the glass to be made of a high tech material that weighs half as much, but was strong enough to hold an adult elephant without being crushed. Then, they would alter the shape to make it more difficult to tip over, just to add that extra safety precaution. Finally, they would add a black-box to it to keep track of all data relating to the contents (temperature, density, etc. ), location and position so that if you ever dropped it or spilled from it, they would be able to determine who was at fault.

The government would buy thousands of them at a price $900 each.

Glady to see I wasn't the only one to think that glass was woefully under designed. .