Kids, hate them or love them?

[stewchi]

Through a family Illness (my wife) I have become my daughters primary caregiver. I have always been involved but now I am her go to guy, she is 2 ½ and doesn’t ever stop talking EVER. I work full time and as soon as I walk in the door it “Daddy dance with me”, “daddy lets play toys”, “daddy lets watch cartoons”, “Can I help you” “Can I do it”, “Can I go with you” Etc etc etc. I love her with all my heart and I miss her when I am at work but its really getting to me. She doesn’t like to sleep, I wake her up before go to work around 7:00am and get her dressed, she then watches cartoons until grandpa gets up to watch her around 7:30. But she wont go to bed before 10:00pm so typically we go to bed at the same time, I sleep in her bed with her as my wife needs the entire bed until she recovers. Sometimes she will wake me up in the middle of the night and want to play, she has more energy than most power plants. Except while I am at work I am constantly with my daughter, and I am getting a little tired of Care Bears and Cinderella and playing dolls. I really really love my daughter but I can’t even go to the bathroom without barrage of calls, “Daddy let me come with you”, “Daddy were are you going”, “are you done yet”, “let me in”, etc etc. I put on my noise cancellation head phones and mp3 player yesterday while picking up the bedroom and bathroom while my daughter was napping (Rare event). She came upstairs crying “I calling you and you didn’t come, why didn’t you come, why daddy why” boy did I feel guilty for my moment of peace cleaning the bathroom. If I leave the room or her side even to get a glass of water I get paged, I have started calling myself Cinderdaddy. Its not right, I grown man should not live this way, I need help, or least recognition I am not the only one. I even feel guilty for wanting my own space, does anyone else feel this way?

[JSUPreston]

You're not the only one. My wife has an illness that I'm not a liberty to discuss here, but she usually winds up in the hospital for at least two weeks usually at least once a year. Even when she is home, she's not completely there, if you know what I mean. I too have a very hard time getting some time for myself, between caring for her when things are bad and also having two boys at home. I understand where you're coming from. When I do get a free moment to go to the shop, half the time I'm worried about the family and feeling guilty for leaving them in the house. I've gotten to where I can at least take the 6 year old to the shop with me. He has his own little work bench with a hammer, couple of screwdrivers and a miter box. He's pretty good out in the shop, which helps me a lot. BTW: He does have hearing and eye protection.

Let me ask, do you have family or friends close by that can give you break every now and then? Sounds like you could use about 4 hours uninterrupted in the shop.

[Russianwolf]

Don't mean to make you feel bad, but I think roght now is one of those times you have to suck it up and cope. Right now, your daughter needs you. You may not realize it, but she is probably scared silly that Mommy might not get better. If she can't be near Mommy, then you are her life-line. I had it happen with one of my nieces, Mom and Dad came down with a bad stomach flu and I took my niece while they recouped. It was 4 days of no peace, but when she couldn't stop crying one day until I got Mom and Dad on the phone (which was a chore with the perscroptions they were on, can we say loopy-loop) I realized she was really scared.

I'm hoping that what your wife is recouping from isn't too bad, but calm down and enjoy the time with your daughter. Remember there will be a time that you will think back and say "I should have spent even MORE time with her when I had the chance"

On a side note. I love kids. especially when I can shake them up and spin them around then hand them back to Mom/Dad for a good puking.

[leehljp]

I am sure that your daughter recognizes that her mom cannot help that much and I would not be surprised that subconciously she is afraid of "losing" you too. That in addition to going through her terrible 2s.

I know that you need some support in this and the best support would be someone that lives close to you. Is there any relatives that could give you one evening or maybe 2 evenings per week. Sometimes, even that little time off really helps. If not relatives, are there any church groups that you are a memebers of? Is there anyone at your work that speaks highly of their church, synagog or community centers as support groups? If there is and you feel comfortable asking, then ask if there is some way you could get a little help.

Many times, it is not a change of lifestyle that is necessary, but a day or two a week and a buddy/friend that makes all the difference. Beware of making that a lady friend unless it is a sister or relative on your side.

[billwmeyer]

I disagree with you slightly, Only a grown man can live that way. An immature man would run for the hills. Don't worry about your macho image, What you are doing is more manly than you can imagine.

You are a good father. Hang in there and get help when you can. I would suggest that you try to find a sitter, so you can escape every once in awhile. Your daughter is obviously missing her mother and clinging to you. A little more separation would help both of you eventually. I would propose that you try to find better sleeping arrangements. This is not because of any sick reasoning, only that it would help separate you from your daughters clinging bond, and would give you some relief by resting without her at your side. You are wise in asking for help.

Good luck and God bless.

Bill

[JSUPreston]

Mike, you've got some good points, too. I'll try to remember them. When my wife was in the hospital for two weeks last month, my 4 year old just couldn't quite understand where mommy was. I was doing well emotionally myself until this conversation with him took place:

I was driving him to daycare after dropping off the 6 year old at school. The 4 year old was sitting quietly in the car seat behind me in the crew cab. He, out of the blue asks, "Is Mommy okay?'

Well, I got really choked up all of a sudden. After a minute or so of driving and fighting back the tears, I told him that mommy was sick and in the hospital and would hopefully be home soon. Then, he put things in his perspective and asked, "Is Mommy going to get a popsicle?"

Although he got the words mixed up, I knew exactly what he was talking about. Whenever he goes to the doctor when he is sick, he gets a sucker after the exam. He just wanted to make sure that mommy got hers.

[mschrank]

You're not alone. I have a 3-yr old boy and a 4 month old daughter. When we are all home, Mom generally takes care of the baby girl, and I generally have "the boy." He wants constant attention and wants to be everywhere "Poppy" is. He wants me to sleep in his room at night, and wants me prepare his meals. Conversation consists of "what's that, Poppy?" and "why Poppy?"

When Mom is at work, I have to attend to both. The older gets jealous and acts up a bit to get attention.

Though tiring and trying at times, I cherish every moment and can't imagine life without them. I know that before long, they'll want to be on their own and not feel the need for my constant attention.

[bigsteel15]

I feel for you, having a 4 yr old myself.
In the summer my wife works every Saturday and a lot of evenings so it's just me and my daughter. I look forward to the summer because it seems like when we have that full day together just doing whatever she isn't as clingy the rest of the time.
Your situation is obviously different in that it's 24/7 but I think you will look back on this and cherish the quality time spent, even forced as it is.
I agree with others that you should try to find a sitter once in awhile.
Also about the sleeping arrangements, although I know how tough that will be. My girl has just now started to go to bed by herself. She decided that being 4 now she could do that. It was a long 4 years in that department.

I hope all gets well with your wife.

[DaveS]

(1) Some time soon... sooner than you think...
- she will not ask to play with you
- she will not want to sit on your lap
- she will be embarrassed to be seen with you.

Treasure every single second you get this kind of attention... it will be gone before you know it. Remind yourself of this fact often. You will look back later in life and identify these times as the "best" times with your daughter (as opposed to when she gets drunk, pierces her tongue, and wrecks your car )

(2) Get her into a playgroup, where at least you can talk to other adults for a while

(3) Hire a neighbor girl to "baby sit" while you are home, someone younger than a legal babysitter. You don't have to pay them much, they get good "practice", and you get some peace while you are home

(4) Get out of her bed. Go sleep somewhere else. Seriously, this will be the hardest habit for her to break once you decide to.

(5) These "attachment" phases tend to come and go. It will pass. Try to steer her to self play; books, coloring, whatever.

[Les Sayers]

Kids, hate them or love them?

Practical parenting lesson 1.

I have two of my own, but not in the same cicumstances as you, and they can be "demanding".

I salute you sir.

[Mrs. Wallnut]

All of you guys have very good advice. And yes people need to have space from their kids especially if Mom is sick and dad has to take care of the kids. It is hard for dads to deal with that kind of behavior. But being a stay at home mom now I am finding myself feeling that way. Although my kids are 10 and the youngest is 2 months I still try and get a little bit of my own time. I go and work out with my grandmother three times a week. And it seems that doing that has been a good thing these last couple of weeks.

And not just little kids act like that. My ten year olds were the same way when I was in the hospital with their little brother. I had a c-section and was in there for three days and the second day they came to see me and both wanted me to come home with them that night. Although Mark did a great job of handling the kids by himself and they are pretty independant they still wanted me home. But I am sure that there will be a day when that won't happen anymore.

I would suggest getting away for an hour or two a day to do something that you like. And sleeping in the same bed with her may come back and bite ya later on. Its a hard habit to break a young child of, I have had to do it with our daughter. Try making it a game to start with. Or maybe even starting a chart with stickers and each night she sleeps on her own she gets a sticker and when you have filled say a week to start she gets to have a treat or toy, whichever you choose...then start another chart and make that one for two weeks and keep raising the days every time she fill up a chart...and if she doesn't sleep through the night by herself she doesn't get a sticker. We did that with a couple of things for our kids and seemed to work wonders.

Hope things work out for you and that your wife is on the mend and doing well.

Hope this helps you a little bit.

[jnesmith]

You're not alone Stew. It happens. It sounds like you're getting it much more than usual though.

My daughter is 3.5 years old. She is VERY attached to her daddy, for which I am very flattered and very proud. However, even when mommy is home, she clings to me. Double-time when mommy is away. It certainly can wear on you.

Heed the advice already given. Particularly the part about letting her sleep by herself. About ten months ago my girl broke her collar bone. Since her bedroom was on the other side of the house, I wasn't comfortable with her sleeping alone. I made the mistake of bringing her to our bed. She hasn't left. She went from loving her room to hating it in a few days. We are struggling to get her back there.

[rbfunk]

It's called caregivers burnout. I watched my Mom go through it when Dad was sick. You need a little bit of you time. Get a sitter for a couple of hours once a week and do something else.
Can you engage your daughter in something that is entertaining and helpfull? i.e. let her "help" cook dinner, Dust while you vacumm ( she can get the lower places better then you can). That way she is with you but the other work gets done.
If your wife is up to it, have your daughter write a story, picture book style and read it to Mommy.
The idea of a play date is a great one. Anything that you are in sight or not too far away while she is focused on other things.
I don't think I can break this to you gently but you're the Daddy, Cowboy up and Get er done.
Good luck You, your wife and your daughter are in our prayers

[dbarnett]

Been there done that.

I have a five year old son that I had to take care of because my wife was on bedrest orders for six months while son number two was incubating. All that I can say, is that you are second fiddle until the wife is better. My son demanded 110% of my time, especially when I had my toughest day at work.

I felt guilty too at times for harboring selfish feelings. I remember when my son came in to the computer room to ask for help with one of his toys. I was behind in my work and I had a big meeting in the morning where I had to make a presentation. He kept on pestering until yelled "NO!!!! I can't help you now." He began to cry because daddy yelled at him. I will never forget the look on his face. I wish I could turn back the hands of time to erase that moment.

I spend as much time with my two sons as possible. I volunteered to coach T-Ball. It has made my life hard as heck, but I value the time we have together. I find that having two kids means even less "me" time. I am Ok with that now. I sometimes will have my "space" after I put my kids to bed. Often I will be up to midnight in the shop to just turn on the radio and tinker, but it is after my wife and kids are put to bed.

I am thankful that I have adjusted my view on this. It has made my life easier, and more rewarding. Someday, not too far from now, my five year old will think that I am no longer Zeuss. He will want to spend more time with his friends than me.....I need to cherish these moments now.

Sincerely,

Dan

[stewchi]

Thanks for all the great advice, I guess this week has been extra tough since my daughter is also sick, she has a fever and stuffy nose making he snore and wake up a lot at night, but other than that is doesn’t slow her down she seems to want run off the her cold (I prefer to sleep them off). We just moved into the new house so we are not unpacked yet and don’t know many people, but I did meet the neighbor last Friday and she has a daughter the same age, but until my daughter’s fever is gone I don’t want to take her over there. When my only concern is my daughter its no problem but I am also trying to keep the house in order, do my taxes, pay the bills, dishes, cooking, laundry, manage my wife’s doctors appointments and medication etc all between the 3.5 hours between when I get home and when I go to bed. The first month was exhausting but I really cherished the attention, the second month is harder, the chores pile up if you don’t take care of them the to-do list just gets bigger and more overwhelming. I try to get my daughter involved in the chores but it triples the time and energy needed to complete them. I have learned a few tricks like how to fold clothes and play dolls at the same times. Or set up bowls on the floor so she can “Help” with the cooking.
Oh did I mention we are also going through potty training. This is the one thing that is going well, she would not even try before, but since I took over she is now using the toilette everyday with very few accidents. And there is hope for me, my mother in law will be visiting in 2 weeks and she has a very strong personality and is crazy about her granddaughter, she immediately takes over getting her to eat, baths, getting dressed etc, and all the cooking. That will give me a nice break, we are hopeful my wife will only be ill for another 3 weeks. Her condition is associated with her pregnancy so it will not last more than 30 weeks (Yikes).
Its good to hear I am not alone, I often wonder how single moms do it, posting it hear and all the advice certainly helps, Its good to get off my chest without making my wife feel even worse about being sick.

Thanks again and keep the good advice coming.

Russianwolf:
I keep telling myself the same thing, “Man up” or “Just suck it the F up” I then find myself fantasying about what I would do if I had a day off, during the 100th time watching Chip and Dales. But she calls me to rank, it is not enough to sit and watch cartoons I have to be into it, she will tell me “Daddy You didn’t laugh” then command me to laugh. Her new favorite phrase is “I Already Told You” so if I am not listening and have to say what or tell me again she will protest “I Already Told You”.