Friday Funny

[gordons]

THE REAL OLD WEST

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man..
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun..'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ‘Tuchus’, and it won't hurt as much.

[cabinetman]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired
mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon
in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to
the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As
he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and
clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a
gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did
dance, and just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now",
and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old
prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots
perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot
skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger,
still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger
heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The
quiet, was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the
young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping
holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to
swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old
mans hands. The old man said, "Son, did you ever kiss a mule's butt?"
The young bully swallowed hard and said, "No, but I've always wanted to."

There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
.

[Richard in Smithville]

I like both

[Salty]

A burly cowboy road up to the salon and tied up his horse. An old man sitting on the porch rocking in a chair was watching him as he walked to the back of the horse. He lifted the horse's tail and stuck his finger in there and pulled it back out. He then rubbed the same finger all over his lips.
The old man on the porch was aghast and asked him why he did that.
The cowboy said it was because he had chapped lips from riding. The old man asked, 'does that help to heal them?' 'No', said the cowboy, 'it just keeps me from licking them'.