Long Week

[Pappy]

As I said in a previous thread, my step father is 84 and can no longer stay alone. The end of November I met with my sister and bil in Wichita Falls and got him settled into an assisted living place.

Last Sunday I drove back up to help my sister and niece with a living estate sale. They had been there since last Thursday. We were able to sell most of the furniture that was not promised to one of the kids, a lot of the tools that I didn't bring home, and about 3/4 of the knick nacs. We even got a decent offer on the house from an older woman that will make a good neighbor for the long time friends next door, something that really concerned us. norma had a junk dealer/flea marketer coming in to make an offer on what was left. The lady buying the house offered $100 and Norma took it.

(RANT ON)

My brother and other sister showed up, too. Both loaded up their 'inheritance' and left. My brother didn't even stop to see Barney on his way out of town back to Dallas. At least my sister spent about 5 minutes with him out of 3 days in town from Cincinnati.

(RANT OFF)


I had picked up an electric bed and I found a headboard on craigslist to go with his dresser. Some slight modification to come up with a way to attach it to the bed and a fast refinish job were needed. It could have used one more coat of stain to darken it but I got pretty close nad time was short. It is Poplar, 2 applications of Minwax Colonial Maple oil stain, and about 5 coats of Deft spray gloss laquer.

[Ed62]

Sorry to hear the bad news, Don. You were right in being upset with the brother and sister. Too bad things like that happen.

On a lighter note, it looks like you did a fine job on finishing.

Ed

[Uncle Cracker]

It is a shame to see what jackals people can be at a time like this. I have been witness to such dealings in the past, and even saw a group fighting over things while the terminally ill person was in the room, listening to them talk around her like she was already gone! Shameful. Disrespectful. Greedy. Pathetic.

I hope your people will come to their senses in time to right the ship, or they may regret their silliness for a long time. Just do the best you can, Pappy. Your heart is in the right place.

[Stingray]

Don't feel too bad Pappy. It seems to be the sign of the times. We went thru this 2 years ago, but with the wife's half brother. About 4 years ago he stuck her mom in a nursing home, had her apartment packed and ready by her caregiver. He snuck in and loaded it all up and took it back to Kentucky 500 miles from Michigan. Her mom said he was storing it down there in case she ever gets out of the nursing home she could get it all back. It was supposed to be stored in a dry warm room in his house, but for some stupid reason she left him as the executor of her estate. Well after her passing he turned into a real a**hole. Said we could have all the stuff but it was out in the shed outside, in boxes, and he had no idea what was there. Just come get it, sign a legal affadavit that we got it, and no going thru it until we are off his property. Well we knew what all he got. I wasn't going to make a 1,000 mile trip to pick up a bunch of junk he couldn't ebay or sell. So I told him to stick it. The thing that ticks me off the most was her Dad's stuff was tied into it too. And we couldn't get any of it. She (her mom) had mentioned before that he had been checking the computer late at night. We are thinking he might have been watching bids on ebay. We'd have been happy to split everything 50/50, but that was obviously out of the picture. And he swore up and down he didn't know what he took!! It was all boxed up and he never looked. Now you tell me...you are going to haul all of that 500 miles and not look to see if anything was broke? Or that should be taken care of? Needless to say, my wife didn't get anything of her mom and dad's and we have never talked to her brother since. All I can say is if you want someone to have something, give it to them now or get it in a will with a lawyers signature on it. Cause it doesn't pay to trust someone else to do it for you. But it seems to be the norm for these days. Sad as it is. But as I like to say...what goes around comes around.

[JR]

That's tough duty, Don. Been there, done that. Good job on the headboard. I'm sure it will help Barney make the transition smoothly. The electric bed will help, too - good job on that.

LOML and I were talking today about her father, who is about 84 and getting frail. LOML was very concerned about his pride, as he has just started to use a walker. The move to assisted living has similar pitfalls, however my mother, once having made the decision, integrated reasonably well into life there. In her case she had two of us in town to visit regularly and I'm sure that helped. It doesn't sound like your brother is going to be much help there. Frequent calls from you should help a lot.

Good luck to you and your family. Try not to judge your siblings too harshly. Life's tough and flesh is weak.

JR

[LinuxRandal]

Estates always seem to bring out the worst in people. When my grandmother died, almost everything went as she had wanted. The one exception was some rings of my grandfathers, that were supposed to be divided between my brother and me. A few years later, we ended up with them.


On the other hand, when my grandmother passed, I only visited my great aunt one more time in the nursing home. She was the last one left (of four, my grandmother the only one who made it to have kids). She had polio as a kid, and lived with her mother until her mother was in her late 80's early 90's (I was small). She kept asking people to kill her, and I couldn't deal with it. She got so bad that she was attacking people in the nursing home, and they had to medicate her the rest of her life. I am not saying what they did is right or wrong, just that people have different relationships, and deal with things differently.

[phi1l]

On the other hand, when my grandmother passed, I only visited my great aunt one more time in the nursing home. She was the last one left (of four, my grandmother the only one who made it to have kids). She had polio as a kid, and lived with her mother until her mother was in her late 80's early 90's (I was small). She kept asking people to kill her, and I couldn't deal with it.

I had a great aunt that, when she was 80 found herself the last of her generation. She decided that she had lived long enough so she decided to just wait to die. Sure enough, 24 years later that's finally what happened. I always thought that was a real waste. She could still get around well enough had a sharp mind & at 100 her penmanship was much better that mine ever was.

[Pappy]

Liquidating the house wasn't that hard on me or my sister. Next trip up I plan to stop in to intruduce myself to the lady who bought the house and see how she is getting settled in. Everytime she was there, I was out running errands.

Mother has been gone 6 years and everyone could deal with it except the other sister that still says everything was "My Mother's". Had it been up to Barney, she wouldn't have been allowed to take anything. She had already loaded her car, and once a trailer, with what ever she wanted. Stuff like all Mother's clothes that she wanted, jewelry chests with the jewlry in them, depression glass that was promised to my other sister,and things like all the Christmas decorations. Never asked Barney if it was ok with him. Doubt she will even show up for the funeral when he goes. She has to live with it and ultimately face a higher judgement for her actions than mine.

My brother's health isn't good so he wouldn't have been any real help. My problem is him leaving town without stopping to see Barney.

BTW, thanks again Dale for the loan of the heaters. Made the shed a lot easier to work in.

[JR]

My mother did something that was very beneficial. She did a video tour of her house identifying most furniture and important objects and who she intended to inherit each one. It left very little haggling when the time came. It also did double duty as an insurance document.

JR

[crokett]

Pappy, that was a long week. Sorry to hear that about your siblings. I don't look forward to when the time comes for my wife's family to divide the cabin her parents own. My guess is something similar wil happen with her brother.

[jking]

Sorry to hear about your week. Kudos to you for caring for about your step-father than about the stuff.

[jackellis]

I feel for all of you who have had to deal with insensitive family members. As my one-time business partner put it, "having money is like leaving knives laying around" (we never disagreed about dividing up money).

When my mother passed away unexpectedly, I asked for one or two keepsakes but had my brothers take most of the possessions and all of the few thousand in insurance money.

When my middle brother passed, I asked for a few photos but made sure all of his money (police pension) went to his boys - two young men he raised but never legally adopted. His ex, now married to a cardiologist, got nothing, all in accordance with the divorce decree she had drawn up.

My wife's father and mother did a good job of making their wishes known. Bob has been gone for a while. Alice is 90 and while getting frail, is likely to be around for a long time. LOML and her sister visit every three weeks and there is no fighting over possessions or money.

LOML and I have prepared separate estate plans that make our wishes perfectly clear, though it is past time to update them. They both contain what's kown as a "suicide clause" that cuts out any beneficiary who challenges the terms of the trust and the will, added after LOML's ex-BIL sued her for disregarding his instructions regarding a trust set up by her parents for his kids. LOML and I are each other's trustee in the event of death. I will be only too happy to enforce the terms of that clause if someone wants to cause trouble over my wife's estate (imagine a shark smile emoticon here)

[wardprobst]

Liquidating the house wasn't that hard on me or my sister. Next trip up I plan to stop in to intruduce myself to the lady who bought the house and see how she is getting settled in. Everytime she was there, I was out running errands.

Mother has been gone 6 years and everyone could deal with it except the other sister that still says everything was "My Mother's". Had it been up to Barney, she wouldn't have been allowed to take anything. She had already loaded her car, and once a trailer, with what ever she wanted. Stuff like all Mother's clothes that she wanted, jewelry chests with the jewlry in them, depression glass that was promised to my other sister,and things like all the Christmas decorations. Never asked Barney if it was ok with him. Doubt she will even show up for the funeral when he goes. She has to live with it and ultimately face a higher judgement for her actions than mine.

My brother's health isn't good so he wouldn't have been any real help. My problem is him leaving town without stopping to see Barney.

BTW, thanks again Dale for the loan of the heaters. Made the shed a lot easier to work in.

You're welcome Don, glad I could help. Sorry to hear about the sibling stuff, unfortunately we run into it a lot in our business. Hope Barney is settled in and happy. You did a good thing to help him.
DP

[cabinetman]

My mother did something that was very beneficial. She did a video tour of her house identifying most furniture and important objects and who she intended to inherit each one. It left very little haggling when the time came. It also did double duty as an insurance document.

JR

That's a good method. We have relatives in the late 80's that we will have to help get settled in assisted living. They are about 1000 miles away. Gone through similar family problems. The difficulty with who gets what never really gets talked about until it's too late.
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