Bad Santa
(This one's been around the block a time or two, but according to the responses to these letters, so has Santa.)
If I were Santa, this is how I'd respond to their letters...
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur
for Xmas. Iv bena good boy all
yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way
to being a career lawncare
specialist.
How 'bout I send you a ****ing
book so you can learn to read and
write?
I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year,
and the only thing I ask for is
peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when
they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years
now asking for a fire truck.
Please,I really really want a fire truck
this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While
you sleep, I'm gonna torch your
house.
You'll have more fire trucks than
you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this,
but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy
and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair
your dad's still having with the
babysitter?
He's banging her like a screen
door in a hurricane,son! Let me get
you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our
house, how do you get into our
home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself
"Marky," that's why you're getting
your a**
whipped at school. Secondly, you
don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent
apartment complex you're living
in. Thirdly, I get inside your
pad just
like all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window. Sweet
Dreams!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you
under the tree, and I left carrots
for your
reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ****s and
carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want
to be a kiss-a**? Leave me a glass
of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days
of the year? Are you making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have
a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most of my
time squeezing cocktail waitresses,
and losing all my cash at the
craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to
know!
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping,
do you really know when we're
awake, like
in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck
in whatever you do, you're going
to make
some man very happy. I'm kipping
your house, dumb a**.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this
year. Please please please
PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
Listen you little b*****, that
whiney begging crap may work with
your folks, but it don't work up
here. You're getting a sweater
again.
Santa
If I were Santa, this is how I'd respond to their letters...
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur
for Xmas. Iv bena good boy all
yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way
to being a career lawncare
specialist.
How 'bout I send you a ****ing
book so you can learn to read and
write?
I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year,
and the only thing I ask for is
peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when
they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years
now asking for a fire truck.
Please,I really really want a fire truck
this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While
you sleep, I'm gonna torch your
house.
You'll have more fire trucks than
you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this,
but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy
and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair
your dad's still having with the
babysitter?
He's banging her like a screen
door in a hurricane,son! Let me get
you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our
house, how do you get into our
home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself
"Marky," that's why you're getting
your a**
whipped at school. Secondly, you
don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent
apartment complex you're living
in. Thirdly, I get inside your
pad just
like all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window. Sweet
Dreams!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you
under the tree, and I left carrots
for your
reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ****s and
carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want
to be a kiss-a**? Leave me a glass
of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days
of the year? Are you making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have
a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most of my
time squeezing cocktail waitresses,
and losing all my cash at the
craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to
know!
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping,
do you really know when we're
awake, like
in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck
in whatever you do, you're going
to make
some man very happy. I'm kipping
your house, dumb a**.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this
year. Please please please
PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
Listen you little b*****, that
whiney begging crap may work with
your folks, but it don't work up
here. You're getting a sweater
again.
Santa
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