More Airplane Funnies

[Richard in Smithville]

C-mans post prompted me to go back into some old emails and dig this out. I don't know how true these were, but they're funny.

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************************************************** ************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f..ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

************************************************** *************** ****************** ***************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."



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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

************************************************** *************************** ***************** *****

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in Engl ish): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" < B>
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedb ird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven. "< U>
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

************************************************** ***********************************************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the **** are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It 'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[crokett]

Then there's this one:
http://www.jumbojoke.com/the_king_of_speed_969.html

[jackellis]

Goes to show that the Lords of the Skies are human just like the rest of us.

My wife was amazed to learn that with a few exceptions, pilots and controllers have the same conversations no matter how big they are or how small they are.

Here's one you won't find in any internet posting:

Just past Reno, Nevada on the way to Butte, Montana.

Pilot: Reno Approach, Arrow XYZ. We'd like to amend our flight plan to land at Reno. We have a passenger in a little distress.

Reno Approach (female voice): Arrow XYZ, turn left heading 200, descend pilot's discretion, maintain six thousand. Will you be needing men and equipment?

...pause...

Pilot: Ah, no. We have a lady passenger who needs to use the facilities.

...longer pause, followed by hysterical laughter in the foreground and the background

Reno Approach: Arrow XYZ Roger.

[jackellis]

Then there's this one:

I'm pretty sure I've seen it before but I still couldn't stop laughing when the Sled crew put that swabbie in his place

One of the things they mention in that article is the "calm, deep, professional voice" controllers use (skip the deep voice part for the lady controllers). I doubt there's any place where that's truer than the San Francisco Bay area, where my airplane is based. There's a Japan Airlines facility up at Napa where they train aspiring airline pilots, most of whom don't speak English all that well. Sometimes they're with a native English speaker and more often they are not. Still, they get the same calm, courteous service the rest of us do.