The term "Closure"

[Ed62]

We often hear the term "Closure" referred to when someone loses a loved one. My wife and I lost a son 9 1/2 years ago. It seemed we couldn't live another day, but somehow people always manage to do just that after a loss. It even gets to the point that we can find things to laugh about, and we find renewed interests in things, when it didn't seem possible at all. I call that "healing and acceptance". But the term "Closure" just doesn't seem to fit. That term bothers me every time I hear it, maybe because I don't understand it. Yes, we've learned to live our lives again, but the death of our son will never be "O.K.". Has anyone found "Closure"? If so, what does it mean to you? Does it really have a meaning, regarding to a death?

Ed

[jonmulzer]

I have never liked the term before, and I never knew why. I believe you just put into words what I was never able to and that was wonderfully written and well put. I must say I feel the same, even though I did not truly know it until now.

[MilDoc]

Psychobabble from the 1980's, never heard before that. Some people NEED counseling etc. Some people never recover from a severe loss. But most do, over time. I know I have, too.

[ironhat]

Well put, Ed, and 'psychobabble' is perfect, Paul. I don't believe that we're supposed to 'close' off our minds from the thoughts of love and the trial of pain that we experience from our losses. I don't, anyway. I recall lovingly and cry with remembrance for those who have gone ahead. Closure be hanged! Thanks for bringing that up, Ed.

[Pappy]

'Closure' concerning the lost of a loved one, in my case my Mother, is not something I want. The meaning to me is like Chiz put it and I don't want the thoughts and memories of that wonderful woman closed off from me.

[leehljp]

I rarely use it in ministering except when someone first uses it in applying it to themselves. To me personally, it connotes forgetting about the situation and moving on in a very impersonal manner. The memories of family long past away have never been in "closure" to me, as I still think of them and they make up part of who I am.

However, I know (if I remember correctly) that the word "closure" was a clinical expression intended for people who could not let go of someone emotionally AND mentally, and lived in an unreal state of believing that a loved one had not died. "Closure" was achieved when they admitted and accepted it as fact.

The problem with this is when the word moved into normal circles of conversation. It just sounds so out of place when used in a 'normal?' grieving situation.


This "Closure" subject brings up one of my pet peeves within my area of work. I despise the use of larger words to replace simpler words when done intentionally. I think everyone should expand their word usage and understanding as much as possible, but when education and big words become the status symbol or ego trip rather than an empowering tool, the speaker only demeans himself in my eyes.

I train (but do not teach) new missionaries and young pastors here, and one of the first things I start harping on is the dropping of clinical, technical and academic jargon that shows off their educational status. Leave clinical, technical and academic words in the classroom where it belongs. . . especially when it applies to someone's mental and emotional well being.

[eccentrictinkerer]

I bought a Poppy today. A vet from the VFW was selling them in front of the supermarket. The vet was my age, probably a 'Nam vet. I thanked him for his service.

The poppy made me think of my dad who died 7 years ago June. He was veteran of WWII and earned a Bronze Star.

Thinking of Dad is a good thing. He was a handy guy, a plumber all his life, and taught me some really good stuff. How to solder copper pipe, use a hand-plane and dig a post hole.

I remember him almost every day. I hope I never achieve 'closure'.

[Schleeper]

Ed, I'm quite certain the term "closure" that's used in connection with the death of a loved one, does not imply that one reaches a point where the sorrow suddenly disappears, or that the deceased is simply forgotten.

Think of closure as a turning of the page, where the chapter of your life that included the life of your loved one ends, and a new chapter, filled with fond memories of the deceased, begins. It's a perfectly natural, and even necessary, process.

Sometimes that process can be retarded due to circumstances beyond our control. For example, it's difficult to seek closure when a loved one is just missing and presumed dead. (Or in the case of an unexplained suicide, or a murder.)

To me, closure happens when you start feeling thankful for what you had, instead of bemoaning what you've lost.

[LinuxRandal]

Closure is not a term I would normally use, but there are a few exceptions where I think at least to me, it might be appropriate.

Death of a loved one who is going slowly and painfully, due to cancer (lost 16 friends and family to JUST brain tumors)

Maybe, in the case of murder, when the admitedly guilty party, dies (trying to avoid any political mumbo jumbo here).


But there are times when it just won't fit. A friend was on Oprah, after a preacher convinced a guy to turn himself in for comitting a murder years earlier. That murder had tore his family, and friends of his family apart (some had been looked at as suspects). All it did, for them was open old wounds, and seperate them more.

So a lot of the time, there is NO SUCH THING as closure. It may just be inappropriately used in place of relief/recovery.

[jhart]

Well said Ed. My 40 year old son died suddenly last June and while we are slowly healing from the shock of it, I think of him and miss him virtually every day. I was thinking of that when I saw your first post about your loss.

[Ed62]

Well said Ed. My 40 year old son died suddenly last June and while we are slowly healing from the shock of it, I think of him and miss him virtually every day. I was thinking of that when I saw your first post about your loss.

Joe, I'm very sorry for your loss. It's the hardest thing a parent can ever have to deal with.

Ed

[Uncle Cracker]

This is a matter of context. I don't think anybody would state that "closure" is a point where you forget your loved one, or are expected to. For many, such as those where a loved one has disappeared, "closure" may simply mean the discovery of what happened. Maybe it's just a point where acceptance of a loss for what it is, has occurred, or the point where a single-minded devotion to a reason for the loss is gotten past. Perhaps it is not the best term (resolution or reconciliation might be better), but if no disrespect is inferred, then no exception should be taken, IMHO.

[andrew.r.w]

I agree that closure mostly works when a threat or injustice is removed. I think the term, when applied to grieving, is preferred by people not affected by whatever loss they are expecting you to get over.

When I have lost someone meaningful to my life I don't WANT to get over it. I want/need to get on with it at some point, but I'm going to be very selfish about how I remember the person and bollocks to anyone who tries telling me what or how I should feel.

For me it's almost as if I reach a point where I decide "OK, enough's enough." I move into a new mode where I can function and over time the loss, the event, the situation has less control of me and I manage to work out terms to deal with it.

As I get older I find this happening more. It's the biggest down side of aging.

[MilDoc]

However, I know (if I remember correctly) that the word "closure" was a clinical expression intended for people who could not let go of someone emotionally AND mentally, and lived in an unreal state of believing that a loved one had not died. "Closure" was achieved when they admitted and accepted it as fact.

Absolutely correct. But now the term gets applied to just about everything in life, not just the death of a loved one. Lose your job? You need closure.

It's been thrown about about so much that IMHO it has become psychobabble.

[rnelson0]

Absolutely correct. But now the term gets applied to just about everything in life, not just the death of a loved one. Lose your job? You need closure.

The term has always been about a psychological state of completeness or certainty. It indicates that the mind is certain of the event, that the individual situation is complete and not ongoing. As it applies to grieving, grieving is a process that does end. You stop wearing black, you acknowledge that the death occurred. Life goes on. You don't forget anything, but you do leave the state of mourning and return to your previous world.

It's been thrown about about so much that IMHO it has become psychobabble.

It's corruption of the vernacular. Closure is a psychological term but people like to use it in the vernacular with a different meaning. It's not the psychologist's fault that it was corrupted.