No Thanks To You!

[crokett]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day...
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Russianwolf]

Dave, if you're worried about a molester grabbing your ankle, then you need to start selling tools you sissy.

[TB Roye]

David must be bored. That was funny but with some truth. Gotta get going I only 66.3 minuets to get the emails out.

Later addition. LOML just asked me after reading David's post. Why have we lived to almost 66 and 62 with out getting sick or dieing? Worst illness I ever got was an infection picked up in the hospital during my Mothers last days.

Tom

[mschrank]

Couple more to add that I've learned from the internet:

-Global warming is a hoax
-The flu shot causes alzheimer's

[germdoc]

I don't know about hairy spiders, but it is a fact that a neighbor of mine sat on a little-used toilet in her house, a bat fluttered under her and bit her on the tush. Her boyfriend, thinking somewhat quickly, pushed the top down and flushed. Big mistake. Not having the bat meant that she had to undergo the series of 5 rabies shots at a cost of $1500.

So look before you sit!

[Richard in Smithville]

David, I had an even better email. It said that if I forwarded the email on to five friends in five minutes, dilly-squat( ok, perhaps not in the same terms) was going to happen. And it was right! I did it three times , and dilly squat happened each time!


I liked your post-will be forwarding it on

[crokett]

Richard, if you'd forwarded it to me 3 times something would have happene.d. I'dve added you to my spam filter and dumped all of your future mail.

[rnelson0]

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

Oh, I can fix this one for ya! Mythbusters found that a toothbrush stored in your bathroom in a cabinet, a toothbrush stored in the open in your bathroom, and a toothbrush next to your kitchen sink are all covered in the same amount of feces after a week.

Remember, brush after every meal!

[BobSch]

I realize these are supposed to be funny, but what's happening to people these days?

Have we all turned into such hypochondriacs that any exposure to anything is to be avoided? What ever happened to the idea that exposure to germs is a good thing, it helps build up the immune system.

Sorry for the rant but every time I see an ad for a hand sanitizer I think back to my childhood — you washed your hands if you got a cut or after your mom yelled at you to wash them. Riding your bike down Suicide Hill was a rite of passage and if you couldn't hold a Ladyfiinger firecracker in your fingertips as it went off meant you were a wimp.

[gsmittle]

Dave,

Don't hold back--tell us how you really feel!

Ya know, if we took all of this seriously, we'd all stay in bed with blankets over our heads...

g.

[germdoc]

One of my pet peeves is emails that are attributed wrongly to some famous person. Usually they start out, you'll never guess who's saying such-and-such. When you snopes it you find out it was some obscure columnist or blogger who started the whole thing.

Why someone would think attributing highly opinionated comments to Oprah or Andy Rooney or Abraham Lincoln or whoever makes their argument more compelling I don't know. If something doesn't sound "quite right", I check it out first.

[Pappy]

I also no longer need to comb my hair. I quit washing it because all the shampoos contain cancer causing additives to make them suds up, the dirt holds it in place!

[cwithboat]

Come on! Look at the bright side. You now know how to avoid prostrate cancer.

[OpaDC]

Dave,

Don't hold back--tell us how you really feel!

Ya know, if we took all of this seriously, we'd all stay in bed with blankets over our heads...

g.

Is it safe to come out now???