Bad, Sad Day

[TB Roye]

My 92 year old MIL is in what once was her house with my SIL. After much thought, prayer, talks among the family, the pastor of our church and not much sleep the past two weeks, LOML called the County Elder Abuse Hotline this afternoon and started a case aginst her sister for not taking care of their Mother. The past two weeks we have tried to talk to the SIL to no avail and the topper was today when SIL was going to go to Reno with her Girlfriend to a show and leave MIL alone untill Friday afternoon without letting any one know.
SIL is 51 and has good job she has lived at home for the past 20 years and with out our knowledge has put the house in her name, as gotten power of attorney and has control of MIL assets such as they are. The living conditions have become unbarable as the house is dirty with stuff all over the place, it smells no stincks and I don't when the last time MIL bed linen has been changed. MIL is expect to do the laundry, and cook and this a somewhat frail 92 year old who is going down hill. She stopped going to church last November using a lot of different excuses but the real reason was SIL was to Lazy to get up get MIL up dressed and hair done so we could pick her up and take he to church. SIL is trying to blame her sisters for the problems and for not comming over and helping take care of MIL. We probably should have done someting sooner but hope things will change and get better well they haven't and now the **** has hit the fan. MIL is going to with us over to the other SIL house for dinner and to spend the night. While there my BIL and I going video the house and take pictures of the condition of the house. That program on Ophra about hoarding is what did it for LOML she finially saw the light. We are going to try and get custody and prower of attorney and MIL will split time between LOML and the other SIL. My MIL has be shut off from almost all social contact she used to have and has withdrawn into a shell and become totally dependent of her supposed caretaker. So now it is out of our hands and in the Countys which is not the most comforting feeling but it had to be done. Hopefully the Social Woker will listen to us and use some common sence but you never know that is the scary part. We need the power of attorney so we can talk to her various Doctors and find out just what is going on with her health. The 4 of us are retired and can devote what ever time is need to help MIL and get her going again and we feel she is not as bad off as the SIL makes out. We figure the house is gone and we really don't care about that, we care about MIL and the quality of the rest of her time. We are all very upset with what LOML and her sister were forced to do but ther was nothing else that could be done. We thought about just going over and getting her and moving her in with one of us but SIL would have filed charges so this way she has to deal with the county and wont' beable to snow them with her lies. Rant off
thanks for listening now off to dinner and the Woodwork Show with BIL tomorrow and Saturday. I will be in Idaho next weeek taking care the grandkids while mom and dad are in Texas working at the Byron Nelson Golf Classic. The kids wanted a projects so we are going to build Pine Car Derby cars and I will turn some pens.

Tom

[cabinetman]

It might be worthwhile to get some legal advice.
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[crokett]

It might be worthwhile to get some legal advice.
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The forum said the message was too short, so QFT.

[footprintsinconc]

i hope things move forward for the better for your MIL. its a shame to see that their care gets neglected when needed the most. after all, they put up with us when were nothing to where we are today.

[Uncle Cracker]

This is an example of a trend being played out thousands of times in today's society. While one has to admit that caring for an elderly person is a daunting and often difficult task, there are so many unscrupulous people doing just enough to keep them (and their checks) around, while quietly wresting control from the unfortunate person (and their families) and draining their assets.

There is another side of the coin, however, and that is those families who go about their own business, and avoid contact with, or responsibility for, an aged relative, until it starts to look like an inheritance might be in jeopardy. It can get very nasty, and often the courts are brought in to try and straighten it out, when they are the last to know what is right and what is compassionate in an otherwise very personal situation.

It is the fact that there are two sides to this issue that make it so difficult to deal with. When do the aged person's own wishes count? When do they not? Who decides if they are still rational? Based on what criteria? When does another family member or advocate have the right to intervene? How do you separate the moral, ethical and legal aspects of the situation?

It is a dilemma... a big one. And it is made worse by the fact that society at large has come to care less and less about its elderly, and more and more about their assets. Laws can be twisted to benefit almost any position, and usually are twisted to benefit whomever has the most to invest in the legal process. The idea of caring and compassion has totally left the building. And the people at the focus of each situation are usually left to watch helplessly as their world falls apart around them.

I sure wish I knew the answer, but I'm just not that smart.

[pierhogunn]

I hope this works out, esp for the sake of your MIL, 92 years, wow, just to get this type of treatment from a daughter, WTF

[TB Roye]

Went over to the house to pick Grandma up and take over to other SIL and BIL house for dinner and where she will spend the night. Grandmas house is worse than I thought. It is a 3 bedroom house with only grandmas bedroom part of the kitchen and living room usuable and they are a mess. 98% of the crap in those room belongs to or was put there by the caretaker daughter. You cannont get down the hall to the front bedroom and middle bedrom is covered with junk it is a storeroom for lack of a better work. The yard work hasn't been done for months. The Sauna and dressing room is a warehouse. I could not get the grandmas car in the garage because of the junk. this 98 Honda Civic has be sitting there for at least 2 years. I have decide she is not going back into that house. She hasn't taken her mornig Meds for the last 3 days. I think the caretaker daughter has some serious issues and is incompetent to be the caregiver.

We had a great time at BIL for dinner and Grandma seemed just fine. Short term memory is lacking but don't see where she needs a walker her three point cane does just fine and besides she couldn't use the walker at her home no room. She could carry on a converstation and showed an interest in things her 22 year old granddaughter was talking about. Tomorrow after breakfast she is coming over to spend the day with LOML and the 4 year old great grandaughter. She was interested in going to church Sunday and seeing old friends. I don't think Grandma is as bad as we have been led to believe. If SIL thought it was bad duing the family meeting the past two weeks now she get to deal with the 2 Son in Laws and where her sisters cut her a little slack, not going to happen this time. We have kind of stayed in the background and let the sisters try to handle. I took pictures and showed them to BIL. He is retired Law Enforcement and knows who to call so don't think Grandma will be going home this weekend. You try to give family a little consideration because being responsible for an elder is a lot of work. SIL took advatage of it and played a game, well games over. We all feel bad that it took this long and the two sister are besides themselves with anger and remorse. This will be interesting to see what SIL says now. I have contacted my cousin who is an Attorney to get a recomentdation for a good elder abuse attorney. As a 66 year old it makes me wonder what I am in for as I get older, LOML and I will be talking to the same attorney to find out how to protect ourselves incase some thing like this happens to us. Thanks for your thoughts and advice I feel everything will turn out ok and Grandma will be taken care of properly and with a quality of life she deserves.

The last 2 year sof my mom's life, she lived with my youngest sister but my oldest sister and I were involved in her care. one sister having power attorney but all of us sharing in decisions that need to be made. So it can be done if you all work together. In Grandmas case the were a lot of lies and deceit by the caretaker daughter.

Tom

[Uncle Cracker]

Tom, it definitely sounds like you are on the right track. At some point, there will come a need to have your MIL medically tested for competency, either at the behest of your attorney, or by an independent appointed by the court. It's gonna have to happen if you are asking a judge to set aside a POA. Your lawyer will probably be able to help you prepare for this, but it's a good idea to make sure your MIL is as up-to-date with her meds as possible (check with her doc, because long-standing scripts may need adjustment). And you may at some point need to get her back up to speed with current events and the outside world, as her ability to talk sensibly and be lucid will be scrutinized if she is to speak for herself. This is all partly dependent on timing, however, as your ability to document her in poor condition arising out of the care of the evil SIL will help your case. This means you must get this on record before you bring her out of it.

[Tom Slick]

The "caretaker daughter" has more issues then just taking care of mom. She has a mental illness and is unable to reasonably take care of herself, the hording is evidence of that. Mom needs to be taken out of that atmosphere right now, as has been done, and the "caretaker daughter" needs medical/mental treatment.
That mental illness is going to be a key factor in regaining control of mom's assets quickly.

When I was a kid my parents went through a similar situation with my uncle. he had become mentally ill and became a danger to himself and his mom because he couldn't reasonable care for himself or her and he was hording. hording is a sign of mental illness.

[scmhogg]

Tom,

If you can, document the condition of the house with pics or video. Ask to local Bar for an elder law referral. This is a growing specialty with us pre-boomers getting on.

Steve

[TB Roye]

Got pictures yesterday, LOML and her sister and husband will get more on Tuesday. Their taking Grandma for a hair appt and LOML an BIL will use a video and digital cameras for more pictures.

Grandma is old and has issues, short term memory bad, repeats some stories many times gets confused some time. That being said her living condition are probably causing more issues for her than we realize. The real issue here is SIL/caretake has serious mental health issue and is incompetent to take care of her mother.

The one neat yester and day being with grandma, she has told some of the early history of LOML'S family as the came from Finnland to Canada and to Upper Pininsula Michigan. Very interesting, Her granddaughter who is home form college is going to tape and collect some of the stories this summer so the other in the family can understand where their heratige.
We will have an attorney the first of the week as LOML and other sister need to get legal custody away from the other sister so they can talk to the various doctors about their mother and also see what left her finances as we are all in the dark about those things.

When I get back from Idaho on the 29th LOML and I will be see an attorney to set up who is going to be responsible for us if the need arises and it will be very explicit as to who does what and when.

Tom

[mater]

That is a sad situation and I am glad to hear Grandma will be taken care of. I wish you the best and hope you can get it taken care of legally soon.

[scmhogg]

Tom,

Before my mother died just short of 90, she had short term memory problems. But, no loss of intellect. She couldn't remember whether she had taken her pills or whether she had spoken to you earlier. She still consistently beat me at Scrabble and always had a wry sense of humor.

I was so lucky that my younger sister agreed to move back from Spokane, with her four kids. She took great care of Mumsy, and the kids and the dog surely enriched her life.

So... It's worth the fight.

Steve

[annunaki]

Some thoughts

If the house wasn't properly cared for, it is also possible that MIL's nutrition wasn't either. Some memory conditions can improve with better nutrition.
You may want to check this out.

Her Social Security money- Since daughter has the house, MIL does not have Mgt. and PropertyTaxes to pay, so what is that SS money being spent on and by WHOM???

[Ed62]

That's a really bad situation that we all hope never affects our lives. If someone else is the payee for Social Security benefits, they will have to be able to provide proof of where the money is being spent, if there are ever any questions. At the very least, each year they will need to declare , in writing , where the money is going. If it is being abused, it shouldn't be too hard to find out about that. It would likely not be too hard to justify spending Social Security benefits for someone in their care. But if there are other funds that are being abused, that's another story all together.

Ed