Oh No!

[Richard in Smithville]

My youngest( in grade seven) asked last night when I had my first girlfriend. Then she tells me how a boy has asked her to go out with him(). The older sister ( high school) isn't worried about a relationship yet. I'm thinking I need to plan a shop tour, starting with all the sharp power tools.

[DonHo]

A shop tour might do the trick but I like the old stand by of "cleaning your gun collection" while the young suitor is making his first visit

DonHo

[cabinetman]

It's useless to talk about the birds and bees, because they don't go anywhere near each other.
.

[iceman61]

My now 7 year old, started having "girlfriends" when he was in kindergarten. He told me he had 7 GF's. I didn't think much about it until one day during a class party. The night before, he had the phone book out & was asking how to look someones address up. When I inquired why he said he had a date with a girl at 9pm. I thought he was kidding given that 9pm was his bedtime. The next day at the class party, one of the mothers asked me if I knew anything about a 9pm "date" the previous night. Her daughter, standing behind her mother, leaned around her and said "yeah & he didn't show up either!"

Jed Clampett: "One of these days I'm gonna have to have a loooooong talk with that boy"

[MilDoc]

When she's a teen and dating, look the boy in the eye, serious look, and calmly say:

"I've been to prison, and I'm not afraid to go back....."

[Russianwolf]

I was caught kissing a girl in the hall when I was in Kindergarten. BY HER DAD and our teacher. Then again, her parents loved me. we dated for 2 or 3 years. She lived about 10 blocks away and we snuck out to meet each other at 7 or 8 years old. But those were different times.


So yeah, some of us start early and don't think girls are icky. Heck I told my next door neighbor that I was going to marry her when I was about 5 (all the way up till about 8 or 9, yep I was a two timer). She was about 15 years older than me.

[ChrisD]

Then it's time to talk to the boy about your 10 rules!

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[gsmittle]

A shop tour might do the trick but I like the old stand by of "cleaning your gun collection" while the young suitor is making his first visit

DonHo

I have a good friend (with daughters) who sharpens a LARGE knife when a young man comes to call.

Once in college I was dating a young lady and I visited her house one weekend. Dad was a baker with Popeye forearms. At one point he stood behind me and put an enormous hand on each shoulder. He asked me, "Can you treat my daughter in the manner to which she is accustomed?" while squeezing my collarbone. I swear I heard the bones creak and I know I could feel them bend. I answered, "You betcha!" We got on well for the rest of the weekend, but I was REAL careful about how close I was to his daughter when he was around.

Have fun!

g.

[Richard in Smithville]

Then it's time to talk to the boy about your 10 rules!

.

Chris, I liked them so much I printed it out for my daughter to read.

[ChrisD]

Glad you liked em. They were "passed on" to me by a friend at work when my daughter was born.

Looking forward to someday hearing fun stories of "Enforcing The Rules"!

[ironhat]

When I started dating the LOML waaaay back in high school her dad, a 6'2", kinda dorkey looking, overweight and jovial guy had a casual conversation with me. I dn't know how it came up but it went something like, "If anyone ever hurt one of my daughters I wouldn't care how long it took but I'd get back at them. Even if I had to lay in a ditch a wait for him I get even. I was in WWII. Laying in a ditch for a couple of hours would be nothin but beating the **** out of him would be pure pleasure". He was so straight laced that I don't know whether the mention of a beating or him actually using the word "****" scared me more!

[Russianwolf]

When my daughter moved to Cali and she already had a boyfriend out there, I simply reminded him before their cross country drive.

"Always treat her with respect. You don't want me to have to come to California to have a "talk"."

I like the guy although I wish he had a bit more ambition. He's a big hispanic guy, but looking into my eyes he understood, the "talk" wouldn't be pleasant for him in any way.

[smorris]

I was sitting with my brother at his house one evening when a young man came calling to pick up his daughter. We chatted for a few minutes and then he asked my brother "Mr. Morris, what do you do for a living?" My brother responded, "I run a drill rig, I put large holes in things that p**s me off." It got real quiet after that.

[JeffW]

A shop tour might do the trick but I like the old stand by of "cleaning your gun collection" while the young suitor is making his first visit

DonHo

I actually did that. I was did not know a boy was coming over that day. I had qualified at the ranger earlier that day. I will tell you that it does work.

[pelligrini]

The first time I had to deal with a young suitor worked out better than I could have ever planned it. My daughter had told me earlier that week that her boyfriend was trying to pressure her into doing things she wasn't ready to do.

He came by that weekend and just by pure chance I was on the front porch with my 250mm Bakuma saw in hand. I started out with some small talk, then I just said plainly, as a matter of fact; "If I hear again that Mariah is being pressured into anything she doesn't want, I will cut off your pee-pee and nail it to my fence." I was still holding that blade the whole time.

He broke up with her the following week. She was kind of mad at first, but she thanked me later. I still chuckle when I remember how big his eyes got.