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If I had a "say"...
Happy Easter all - This is always a good time of year to reflect on the challenges and blessings in life. I'd like to share a story that's been very much on my mind lately. It's long and fairly trivial in the overall scheme of things, but has been a pretty big deal to me personally.
In 1999 I started to have some vocal issues. I noticed it first in a loss of control when singing with our church choir, and it got worse from there, ramping up over a period of months, until it became very difficult to even speak. After many prayers, healing services, laying on of hands, doctors appointments, allergy tests, shots, invasive expeditions of my nasal cavities and throat resulted in no assignable causes or improvements. The doctors finally determined that it was a neurological disorder known as "spasmodic disphonia" where the throat muscles don't fire in sync...no known cures, but periodic Botox injections to the larynx are considered a temporary and somewhat successful treatment. After 4 botox treatments (ever wonder what it's like to choke on fish bone?
), only one treatment had been marginally successful... the downside of a "successful" treatment is an extended period of a worsened condition...> 6 weeks in this case, with nearly no voice at all, followed by a few months of minor improvement from where we started. Insurance eventually stopped covering the very expensive shots, and I didn't pursue the issue because it was largely ineffective, painful, and basically not worth the temporary gain.
The ramications of a greatly diminished voice are life changing....not terminal, and not as radical as loss of site, hearing, a limb, or likely many other ailments, but life changing nonetheless....no more choir, it became very difficult to communicate effectively at meetings, presentations were awkward at best, bantering with checkout clerks, etc. was difficult, and phone conversations were always unpredictable. It literally changed who I was and what I was able to do, but life goes on and you find other ways to lead your life. A formerly outgoing boisterous baritone was forced to acquiesce and speak only when it was important, or only to those who were willing to take the time to deal with the voice issue so they could hear me.
Singing was by far the most disappointing aspect of this loss. Those who don't sing, may not understand, but those who do, or who play some sort of instrument know that it's a gift and a blessing. It was something that I was pretty good at (or at least my Mom always thought so!
) ...no Josh Grobin mind you, but I did solo, sang in musicals (played the lead in one), weddings, funerals, and other special groups at church, and just really loved it....it was a huge part of my life, prayer life, and my inspiration. Leaving the choir was bitter for me and was as life changing as joining it was.
Fast forward to 2007....I've been employed with Kodak for nearly 27 years in the same building, and have survived 16 downsizings and watched our workforce numbers drop from ~ 69K employees to ~ 9K locally. Our division offered a voluntary separation package last September that got nearly double the response they were looking for. The end result was a mad shuffle to cover critical operations, and by October I ended up with a job change that includes shift work in a new building. About 5 weeks ago I started having some "good moments" with my voice, followed by unprecedented "good days", and eventually a couple of previously unimaginable "good weeks" that have continued to be sustained. The voice isn't 100% of what it was, and may never be... it endured 8 years of strain from trying to speak, but it's working for the most part! Three weeks ago I attended a choir rehearsal and made an appearance with the group for a Sunday service. My work schedule has prevented any further rehearsals for the next couple of weeks, but last Wednesday while the choir was rehearsing and I was at work, I received a phone call from a trusted friend and fellow "bass" in the choir who said his Easter music has my name written on the male solo part from years ago, and the director would like me to sing it at Easter! Talk about putting the cart ahead of the horse! I could hear other members in the background coaxing me to do it...so with the assurance that I had two understudies in the waiting if needed, I agreed to give it a go. Last night I sang with the choir at our Easter Vigil, and sang my solo part without a glitch. It was a fairly short simple part, that ironically was the first solo I sang with that group...I'm sure none of them knew that but I sure remember it. My biggest fear wan't screwing it up...it was that I'd get choked up and cry! 
This has all come on very quickly and unexpectedly. Though I've dreamed of this moment for many years, 6 weeks ago I wouldn't have imagined it would happen like this when it did....never saw it coming, and would have never thought things would progress so rapidly. It may not last, but what an incredible blessing to have even a temporary reprieve from this struggle. I owe the good Lord a huge thank you for answered prayers, and would encourage others who struggle with their crosses and burdens to hang onto hope. You just never know when and how God will heal you.
God Bless and Happy Easter everyone!
In 1999 I started to have some vocal issues. I noticed it first in a loss of control when singing with our church choir, and it got worse from there, ramping up over a period of months, until it became very difficult to even speak. After many prayers, healing services, laying on of hands, doctors appointments, allergy tests, shots, invasive expeditions of my nasal cavities and throat resulted in no assignable causes or improvements. The doctors finally determined that it was a neurological disorder known as "spasmodic disphonia" where the throat muscles don't fire in sync...no known cures, but periodic Botox injections to the larynx are considered a temporary and somewhat successful treatment. After 4 botox treatments (ever wonder what it's like to choke on fish bone?
), only one treatment had been marginally successful... the downside of a "successful" treatment is an extended period of a worsened condition...> 6 weeks in this case, with nearly no voice at all, followed by a few months of minor improvement from where we started. Insurance eventually stopped covering the very expensive shots, and I didn't pursue the issue because it was largely ineffective, painful, and basically not worth the temporary gain. The ramications of a greatly diminished voice are life changing....not terminal, and not as radical as loss of site, hearing, a limb, or likely many other ailments, but life changing nonetheless....no more choir, it became very difficult to communicate effectively at meetings, presentations were awkward at best, bantering with checkout clerks, etc. was difficult, and phone conversations were always unpredictable. It literally changed who I was and what I was able to do, but life goes on and you find other ways to lead your life. A formerly outgoing boisterous baritone was forced to acquiesce and speak only when it was important, or only to those who were willing to take the time to deal with the voice issue so they could hear me.
Singing was by far the most disappointing aspect of this loss. Those who don't sing, may not understand, but those who do, or who play some sort of instrument know that it's a gift and a blessing. It was something that I was pretty good at (or at least my Mom always thought so!
) ...no Josh Grobin mind you, but I did solo, sang in musicals (played the lead in one), weddings, funerals, and other special groups at church, and just really loved it....it was a huge part of my life, prayer life, and my inspiration. Leaving the choir was bitter for me and was as life changing as joining it was. Fast forward to 2007....I've been employed with Kodak for nearly 27 years in the same building, and have survived 16 downsizings and watched our workforce numbers drop from ~ 69K employees to ~ 9K locally. Our division offered a voluntary separation package last September that got nearly double the response they were looking for. The end result was a mad shuffle to cover critical operations, and by October I ended up with a job change that includes shift work in a new building. About 5 weeks ago I started having some "good moments" with my voice, followed by unprecedented "good days", and eventually a couple of previously unimaginable "good weeks" that have continued to be sustained. The voice isn't 100% of what it was, and may never be... it endured 8 years of strain from trying to speak, but it's working for the most part! Three weeks ago I attended a choir rehearsal and made an appearance with the group for a Sunday service. My work schedule has prevented any further rehearsals for the next couple of weeks, but last Wednesday while the choir was rehearsing and I was at work, I received a phone call from a trusted friend and fellow "bass" in the choir who said his Easter music has my name written on the male solo part from years ago, and the director would like me to sing it at Easter!
Talk about putting the cart ahead of the horse! I could hear other members in the background coaxing me to do it...so with the assurance that I had two understudies in the waiting if needed, I agreed to give it a go. Last night I sang with the choir at our Easter Vigil, and sang my solo part without a glitch. It was a fairly short simple part, that ironically was the first solo I sang with that group...I'm sure none of them knew that but I sure remember it. My biggest fear wan't screwing it up...it was that I'd get choked up and cry! This has all come on very quickly and unexpectedly. Though I've dreamed of this moment for many years, 6 weeks ago I wouldn't have imagined it would happen like this when it did....never saw it coming, and would have never thought things would progress so rapidly. It may not last, but what an incredible blessing to have even a temporary reprieve from this struggle. I owe the good Lord a huge thank you for answered prayers, and would encourage others who struggle with their crosses and burdens to hang onto hope. You just never know when and how God will heal you. God Bless and Happy Easter everyone!
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