Some notable moments in the history of the English Language

[ChrisD]

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to four letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather an illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[Sam Conder]

My personal favorite Churchill exchange goes something like:

“'You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk. 'Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober.”

[jspelbring]

Twain

I believe this is attributed to Mark Twain. Mr. Twain was known for is fastidiousness regarding words and grammar, but not so much with personal hygiene.

(Mr. Twain takes a seat next to a rather prim woman on a train - it being summer, he is something less than "fresh")

Woman to Twain - "Pardon me, Sir, but you smell!"
Twain to woman - "No, Madam. You are incorrect. YOU smell. I stink"

[germdoc]

A couple of my personal faves:

Dorothy Parker:

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised."

"Well, Aimee Semple McPherson has written a book....It may be that this autobiography is set down in sincerity, frankness and simple effort. It may be, too, that the Statue of Liberty is situated in Lake Ontario."

"She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B." [speaking of Katherine Hepburn]

And H.L. Mencken:

His obituary on William Jennings Bryan: "He was, in fact, a charlatan, a mountebank, a zany without sense or dignity. His career brought him into contact with the first men of this time; he preferred the company of rustic ignoramuses. It was hard to believe, watching him at Dayton, that he had traveled, that he had been received in civilized societies, that he had been a high officer of state. He seemed only a poor clod like those around him, deluded by childish theology, full of an almost pathological hatred of all learning, all human dignity, all beauty, all fine and noble things…What motivated him from end to end of his grotesque career was simply ambition — the ambition of the common man to get his hand upon the collar of his superiors, or failing that, to get his thumb into their eyes."

On Warren Harding's inaugural speech: "Setting aside a college professor or two and half a dozen dipsomaniacal newspaper reporters, he takes the first place in my Valhalla of literati. That is, he writes the worst English that I have ever encountered. It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself out of the dark abysm . . . of pish, and crawls insanely up to the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash."

On Coolidge: "He has the intelligence of a lawn dog, his career is as appalling and as fascinating as a two-headed boy." Upon hearing of Coolidge's death, he launched the often-repeated line,"How can they be sure?"

[eccentrictinkerer]

Although this has been attributed to others, I heard it first as a Churchill quote.

Lady Astor tapped Sir Winston's rather large stomach and asked him what he was going to name the new baby.

"Well, Lady Astor, if the good Lord should bless me with a son I shall name him after myself and if it should be a girl, I shall name her after my wonderful wife."

"But, if, as I suspect, it's just a bit of wind, I shall be happy to name it after you, dear lady."

[Uncle Cracker]

Some classics there. Amazing how many of them are attributed to Churchill. A very bright, funny guy. I'll bet he was a scream at parties...