Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: __________________________________________________ _______ CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. __________________________________________________ _______ CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. __________________________________________________ ________ CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer. __________________________________________________ __________ CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? __________________________________________________ _____ CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! __________________________________________________ ______ CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! __________________________________________________ _ CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my **** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. __________________________________________________ __ CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
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rofl.....thats too funny...mind you I could do with a good chili -
Loved it!
Some of that chili was really watered down!
Back when I lived in Texas (30 years ago) it was a hanging offence to mention the word "bean" and "Chili" in the same paragraph!
Hank Lee
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted!
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FUNNEE - FUNNIE - FUNNEYComment
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ANY kind of beans.
http://austin.about.com/od/chili/Chili.htm
"The main differences between Texas chili recipes and those other chili recipes is that "real" Texas chili has no beans and the main ingredient, after the meat, is chili peppers - whether chopped, diced, powdered, or liquified. Oh, and Texas chili just tastes better."
http://www.mit.edu/~wchuang/cooking/..._Red_Chili.txt
"Texas Red" Chili con Carne
This is an authentic chili. It even complies with Texas law (which
prohibits making chili with beans). Most championship chili recipes use
some tomato paste or tomato sauce. This one doesn't and is reputed to be
an authentic recreation of chili as served to drovers and hands in the
days of the trail drives, where chili is alleged to have originated.
Servings: 6
Ingredients: (Get the Recipe from the web site)Hank Lee
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted!Comment
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That's way too funny. The three of us at the one table in our lunch room are known for our enjoyment of spicy food. One day when one of the other guys came in with a jar of home caned hot peppers that his wife said to get rid of( no one at home would eat them...they were too hot), he dropped it off at our table and said, "you guys can have these cause i know you're already crazy"From the "deep south" part of Canada
Richard in Smithville
http://richardspensandthings.blogspot.com/Comment
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Texans are known for making "sissy" chili. Good thing ole Frank didn't judge a contest that had some "real" chili
DonHoDonComment
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Good one. I've been craving some good chili for a while. LOML is a good cook, but she just doesn't make chili the way I like it.
EdDo you know about kickback? Ray has a good writeup here... https://www.sawdustzone.org/articles...mare-explained
For a kickback demonstration video http://www.metacafe.com/watch/910584...demonstration/Comment
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'Oh yeah? Try a combo beef - rattlesnake - armadillo with hot peppers sometime!'
That's another thing about texans and chili, they use a lot of "roadkill"
Actually, the "sissy" chili remark is kind of a private joke, an OU fan who's from Texas comes to our tailgates, once a year he brings chili and he favors HOT chili but I always make it a point to try to spur him on by asking if he's bringing more of that "sissy" chili. He keeps trying to make it hotter each time. While he's not watching I cut his chili with some of the less hot chili that others bring. He's not caught on yet
DonHoDonComment
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I've had hard copy of this one in my desk for years, and still manage to laugh until I cry every time I read it.....
Happiness is sort of like wetting your pants....everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
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It's true that you don't mention chili and beans in the same sentence. While I was in college I judged one of these in Austin on Sixth Street. I'm not one for really spicy chili, but after doing this I thought that I had done pretty good until I had to go #2. I felt as if lava was coming out of my rear end. I made a comment to a buddy who was a chef and he said that any good Texas chili not only burns going down, but burns twice as much coming out. I never was a judge again. The free beer was great though.
Up here in Philly they look at me like I'm stupid when I tell them that real chili doesn't have beans. Real Texas chili doesn't have hamburger either.Ted KitchComment
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